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Where's the Line?
 

Sexual activity between a child and an adult crosses a clear generational boundary. It is never OK. Sexual behavior between siblings can be more confusing. Some sexual play or curiosity can be part of normal development. But too easily and too often, sexual behavior between siblings can become harmful, traumatizing, abusive, or even violent. 

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Sexual behavior between siblings that is harmful, or worse, can happen in any family with more than one child. It is not unusual; sibling sexual trauma is estimated to be at least as common a childhood experience as food allergies. Some children and young people who sexually harm a sibling continue to engage in sexually abusive behavior into adulthood, but many do not.*

 

The earlier that harmful sibling sexual behavior is identified and stopped, and the sooner that treatment aimed at healing is begun, the better the outcome is likely to be for all siblings involved. No matter what has happened, to whom, and when, visiting this site is a courageous step forward. The information below is meant to direct you to the information and help that is most appropriate for your personal situation and needs.** 

Whose behavior or experience are you concerned about, to bring you to this site? Click on the image that best fits:

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*For more information, and links to sources of information, see 5WAVES | What Do We Know​

**This site is hosted by 5WAVES, Inc, a US-based nonprofit charity devoted to confronting and healing sibling sexual trauma and abuse. The information below is not legal, medical, or mental health advice. Readers are ultimately responsible for their own decisions and actions, including seeking professional help, reporting of child sexual abuse, and safeguarding children and family members. 

Wondering about yourself?
About your own experiences, memories, or behavior?

If you ever had sexual contact with a sibling that you did not want...

or did not like, or that left you feeling confused, distressed, used, uncomfortable, or any other negative feeling, then your sibling crossed a line. If it felt abusive, harmful, or just not right to you in any way, then it was wrong. ​It was not your fault. If it's bothering or affecting you, it is a big deal. 

If your sibling has said they were sexually harmed or abused by you... 

 

you crossed a line--even if you didn't realize it or didn't intend it to be harmful. No other information is needed to determine that your actions hurt your sibling. The fact that your sibling took the difficult step to tell you or others about it shows how deeply it has affected them.

 

You can't change what happened in the past. But you can avoid causing further harm by taking responsibility and making your sibling's welfare the focus of how you react. Your sibling needs you to:

  • back up their report that it happened

  • acknowledge that you hurt them

  • admit that it was wrong without explanations or excuses

  • commit to taking steps so you will not do it again 

  • respect their choices about who to tell and how to talk about it

  • respect their wishes for how much and what type of communication and contact you have going forward

It is important to accept the language your sibling uses to describe your behavior, and focus on the truth that it did happen, even if you would personally choose different words to describe it or your memory differs. 

 

Sibling sexual trauma is serious; it stays with a child and deeply affects their whole life, especially when it remains hidden and is not acknowledged. It is important to respect your sibling's wishes regarding boundaries with them and how to handle things like family gatherings. 

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None of this is easy; in fact it is likely to be one of the hardest things you have ever done. Seek support for yourself--it is there. Any of the Stop It Now Helplines offer respectful, confidential listening and guidance. This website also offers pages with more help for those who have hurt their sibling.

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If you are an adult reflecting on your past, wondering if your own behavior crossed a line or if you might have hurt your sibling... 

you have taken a big step already, in being willing to face this and search for more information. You might even be unsure who hurt who or what was your role in what happened. If it is possible to ask your sibling, their response carries more weight than any formal definition or guidance. If they indicate that your behavior was harmful to them, that is all the information you need. Scroll back up to the previous question for suggestions on how to proceed.

 

If you are still uneasy, or confused, or feel shame or regret about your past behavior with your sibling, here are a few options that may help you sort it out:

Wondering About How to Help Another Adult? 
(including adult children)

If your adult child, partner, friend, or family member tells you that they were abused, violated, molested, or otherwise harmed by a sibling's sexual behavior...

that is all the information you need. Your role is to listen carefully, affirm that you heard them and believe them, reassure them it was not their fault, support them by continuing to listen and accept them, and allow them to choose their path going forward.

 

Email info@5waves.org if you are interested in one of our online support communities for friends and family of those who have experienced or were responsible for sibling sexual trauma.

If you have discovered that an adult you care about engaged in sexual behavior or caused sexual harm to a sibling during their childhood...

it is normal to feel shocked, confused, betrayed, angry, fearful, or any combination of feelings at once. It is important to know that not all young people who engage in harmful sexual behavior toward a sibling will continue to behave in sexually abusive ways as an adult. 

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Contacting a Stop It Now helpline

can be an especially helpful step for you, for the adult you are concerned about, and for anyone who is concerned about whether this person is still a risk to children around them. Stop It Now! helplines are respectful, anonymous, confidential, and understanding. Their staff is especially focused on helping and healing those who have caused sexual harm, or are at risk of causing sexual harm, as a way to prevent child sexual abuse. 

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Email info@5waves.org if you are interested in one of our online support communities for friends and family of those who have experienced or were responsible for sibling sexual trauma.​​​

If you are a parent who has learned that there was sexual behavior, harm, or abuse between your children when they were younger...

know that you are not alone. Know that it is not too late to support and help your children. Know that you will need support for yourself, to be able to move forward and help your children heal. 

Contacting a Stop It Now helpline is highly recommended! 

Stop It Now! staff can provide knowledgable, nonjudgmental, understanding support and guidance, for the unique situation facing you and the adult you are concerned about. 

Wondering About A Child's or Young Person's Sexual Behavior with their Sibling(s)?

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Sexual behavior between siblings can confusing. Some sexual play or curiosity can be part of normal development. It's common for parents and caregivers to struggle with teaching children to respect personal boundaries without shaming their healthy sexuality. Below are some guidelines for determining when sexual behavior among siblings has crossed the line past what is developmentally appropriate.  

Principles to keep in mind: 

  • Do your best to remain calm.  

  • Adults usually don't see the whole picture right away. 

  • As you learn more, you may need to adjust your responses.

  • If in doubt, err on the side of caution. 

  • If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it probably is.

  • It is common for children's reports to differ. If they are different, proceed based on the report of the more serious behavior.

Step 1: Has any child been harmed? 

  • Is there any physical injury?

  • Is any child upset or emotionally distressed?

  • Has a child said or done anything that indicates they were physically or emotionally hurt?

  • Does any child appear unusually fearful, including being afraid to talk about what happened?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you need to take a closer look.
Click here for guidance to choose your next steps. 

If you answered "No" to all of these questions, scroll down to the next box below. 

​If a child tells you, or acts in a way that makes it clear, that they are upset, or don't like their sibling's behavior, that is all the information you need. If you feel in your gut that something is off, that something is not right, trust your instinct. You need to take some kind of action. See Next Steps for guidance.​

Step 2: Could it be normal behavior for their age?

Ask yourself all 8 questions below.
Then click on the arrow that fits your answers.

  • Do the children all seem to be voluntarily participating in the behavior?

  • Are the children similar in age, physical ability, status within the family, and mental and social development?

  • Do the children normally play together?

  • Do they all appear to be motivated by play, humor, or curiosity?

  • Are they all pre-puberty? 

  • Do they seem to be showing a knowledge of sexuality that is appropriate for their age?

  • Has it happened only once, or infrequently (as far as you know)?

  • Do the children respond to adult redirection, or reminders to respect each other's boundaries?

If you answered "No" to any of these questions, you need to take a closer look, even if the children seem to be OK. Click here for guidance to choose your next steps.​

If you answered "Yes" to all the questions in the box above, it is likely the behavior is normal curiosity.

Go on to the green section below to learn steps you can take to prevent future harm or harmful behavior. 

Remind, Redirect, Research 
Return, Repeat

If you answered yes to all of the questions in the box above, it is likely that the children's behavior was part of age-appropriate curiosity or play. Still, it is a teachable moment, an opportunity to either remind them, or start talking to them, about body safety, boundaries, and consent. It is also a reminder for parents to educate themselves about their child's sexual development and safety, including the ever-changing online world. You don't need to know it all, you don't need to have all the answers, and you don't have to do it perfectly, to make a real difference for your child.​​

Remind

  • "Our swimsuit parts stay covered" 

  • " Your brother said stop, so no more tickling" ​

Redirect

  • "Let's go play outside now" 

  • "How about a snack?"

Research

​Educate yourself about the behavior you have seen, and prevention of sexual trauma for your child's age (see white box). Important topics include:

  • What's normal, what's not

  • What parents should know about child sexual abuse

  • How to reduce opportunities for harmful sexual behavior

  • Ways to promote online safety

Return

Start conversations with your child about what you have learned, about any concerns you still have, about their experiences. 

Listen to your child

  • Be curious...ask nonjudgmental questions; seek to understand 

  • Be patient...give children time to think and share

  • Be observant...listen not just to words but to actions & emotions

Show that it is OK to talk to you about sexuality, that you are interested in their questions and experiences, and that you will believe and support them without judgment. 

Teach, including these topics

  • Consent & Respect 

  • Body Safety & Privacy

  • How to Report & Find Safe Information​

Teach not only with words, but by example. Model consent and privacy for yourself and in your interactions with your children. Look for teachable moments; for example, when their behavior is close to the line, news reports, or storylines in movies.

Repeat

Just like teaching personal care habits, traffic safety, or any other important life skills, it is normal for children to need reminders, ongoing instruction, and different information as they grow & mature. 

Taking a Closer Look
When Sibling Sexual Trauma is Known, Suspected, or Possible

If there is any immediate threat of violence, suicide, or further harm; if you do not feel you can keep your children safe right now, call your emergency number: 

911 (US/CA/MX), 999 (UK), 000 (AU), 112 (EU)

Suggested Next Steps

Separate the children

If they are together now, put them in separate rooms, if this is safe and possible.

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Calm yourself

Ideas: separate yourself briefly from the children: close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, call someone you trust to support you, contact a helpline or crisis line, draw on a brief prayer, yoga or meditative practice, find your pet.

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Speak to each child separately.

Remain as calm, matter-of-fact, and nonjudgmental as possible. Ideas: Calm the child if necessary. Mention what you saw or what you know, ask if they want to tell you any more about it, ask if it has happened before, ask how they feel about it. Ask if there is anything else they would like to tell you. Ask if they want to continue to be with their sibling or not.

 

Reassure each child of your love and support.  

Let them know they can tell you more later if they think of anything else. If a child gives more information, reassure them that they were right and brave to tell you. If a child tells you about anything that felt uncomfortable or wrong to them, reassure them it was not their fault. 

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Take action based on what you have seen & learned. â€‹

Keep in mind: 

  • Adults usually don't see the whole picture right away. 

  • If in doubt, err on the side of caution. 

  • If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it probably is.

  • It is common for children's reports to differ. If they are different, proceed based on the report of the more serious behavior.

  • It is common for children to initially deny what they have done. 

The sections below suggest responses that may be appropriate for various behaviors and context. Every situation is different. You may have to consider factors that are not listed here. If in doubt, seek a higher level of help or intervention, more quickly. 

Scroll down to the red, orange, and yellow boxes, and choose what type of action seems right for your own situation. You may need to consult this page again, if you learn more later, or change your mind, or you do not get the help you need. 

Get Emergency Help Now

Possible reasons to take this action:

  • Present threat of violence, injury, or sexual assault

  • Anyone is at risk of suicide or self-harm

  • There is physical injury

  • A sexual assault just happened

  • You have evidence of an assault or penetration to give police

Options Include:

  • Call Emergency Services (911 US/CA/MX, 999 UK, 112 EU, 000 AU)

  • Go to the Emergency Room

  • Call your local police or law enforcement

  • Call a 24/7 crisis line

Keep Children Separated, with No Communication
Seek professional help as soon as possible

Possible reasons to take this action:

  • Any child in great emotional or physical distress, or behavior out of control

  • Reports or evidence of force, intimidation, coercion, threats, sadism, cruelty, humiliation

  • Reports of past oral, anal, or vaginal penetration, using any body part or object

  • Possibility of physical harm (itching, tenderness, etc)

  • Report or evidence that an adult is encouraging children's or teen's sexual activity

Options Include:

Keep Children Separated, or Supervise Very Closely
Make calls and appointments for professional help

Possible reasons to take this action:

  • Child asks for help or expresses distress

  • Any child exhibits signs consistent with being sexually abused (including but not limited a change in behavior, excessive anger, sensitivity to touch, severe anxiety, recurring headaches, stomachaches, urinary tract infections, sleep trouble, depression)

  • Sexual behavior seems compulsive or addictive, ongoing or habitual

  • Sibling with greater power (e.g., age, size, strength, ability, status in family, social or mental development) uses it to exploit, manipulate, bribe, coerce, or entice less powerful sibling

  • Behavior seems premeditated or planned 

  • One sibling grooms another for sexual activity

  • Type of behavior or knowledge is beyond what is age-appropriate

  • Involves explicit online viewing, interaction, recording, or sharing

  • High parental stress and trauma after disclosure

Options Include:

  • Contact Stop It Now! for advice on reporting, keeping children safe, and finding providers with experience in healing child sexual trauma and/or treating children with harmful sexual behavior

  • Contact your local child advocacy center or sexual assault crisis center (International Listing Here)

  • Search for providers with experience healing children who have been sexually abused or traumatized, and for those who treat children with sexual behavior problems

  • Call a child abuse reporting hotline

  • If any child is already getting professional help for depression, anxiety, addiction, physical symptoms, eating disorders, etc., mention what you know about the sibling sexual behavior to them

  • Any options in the boxes above

Check in with children
Increase supervision & communication in the home
Educate yourself and your children on body safety, consent, & boundaries

Possible reasons to take this action:

  • Sexual behavior, knowledge, interest were age-appropriate (although inappropriate in the sibling context)

  • The sexual behavior appears to have been motivated by impulsivity, immaturity, ignorance, or curiosity

  • Sexual behavior does not clearly violate boundaries or social norms

  • No signs of distress to either child so far* 

 

*It’s important to note that these actions could harm or traumatize a child and many traumatized children do not show obvious signs of distress.​

Options Include:

Still not sure? Need more help?

 

Contact these helplines if:

  • you are unsure how to proceed after discovering sexual behavior between children

  • you are concerned, upset, or confused about what you have done, what has been done to you, or someone else's experience or behavior

  • you need nonjudgmental and knowledgable support

  • you want to discuss your particular situation confidentially

  • you don't know how to find the help you need 

For Teens & Young Adults
(services by Stop It Now!)
those outside the US and UK also welcome

International Helpline List for Mental Health, Sexual Abuse, and Concerns About Sexual Behavior

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GET HELP NOW

 

Additional Resources

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