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Undeserved Shame

​Those who have been sexually traumatized very often carry undeserved shame. This is an unfair, unfortunate, and very common reality. The information below begins by describing a few important truths, then points to several possibilities for healing.

Shame is a Tricky Emotion

When you cut your skin, the physical pain feels the same, no matter how or why you cut it. In a similar way, shame feels the same no matter what caused it. This makes it easy for your brain to take a shortcut--if you feel shame, you must be guilty. But this shortcut takes you to the wrong place when your shame came from something that someone else did wrong to you.

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Your Worth Comes From Who You Are and What You Do

Being sexually violated profoundly impacts your mind, your spirit, and often your body. Many survivors describe feeling “ruined,” like “damaged goods.” Feeling this way, even through no fault of your own, is a source of undeserved shame. This shame is magnified by the social stigma around sibling sexual abuse and trauma.

You are Not To Blame

People who have been sexually violated tend to carry an impression that they were responsible for their own sexual trauma. If your sibling was older or bigger or had higher status in the family than you, or if your experience was marked by fear or a need to please, these are clear indications that it was not your fault.

 

You were not responsible, even if:

  • You didn’t resist

  • You didn’t say no

  • You didn’t tell

  • You were aroused

  • You returned to the person for affection or attention

  • You continued the behavior

  • You continued to be 'friends'

 

Brain Illusions

When a sibling, whom you may have loved and trusted, whom you may have spent your whole life with, whom may have been your hero, turns around and violates you sexually, it rocks your world. It can be impossible to believe they could really do this. You may be afraid to believe, or not want to believe, that it really happened the way it did. When you experience something that seems impossible, sometimes your brain plays tricks on you. Without meaning for it to happen, or even realizing it is happening, your brain might convince you that it was no big deal, or that it must be your fault, or that it never even happened. 

Secondary Shame

Your body may have become aroused when you were violated, even if you hated what was happening. Many survivors feel shame about this, even though it was totally out of their control. Read more about this in The Silent Shame of Sexual Abuse by Dr. Margaret Rutherford for Psychology Today

 

You may feel shame about your own strong reactions after you were sexually violated. It is entirely appropriate to feel anger, rage, desire for revenge, fantasies of retaliation. If you did retaliate or tried to retaliate, that is understandable. You were attempting to get justice, to hold your sibling accountable, in the only way you could or that you knew at the time.

 

Your sexual trauma may have started you down a path that led to you hurting others, directly or indirectly, intentionally or not. It is normal and human to feel guilt and appropriate shame when you have done something wrong. You may decide to apologize and make amends, or to talk about what you did with a third party who you trust. But have compassion for yourself; put your guilt in the context of how you got there and what your realistic options were at the time.

 

You also may feel shame that you allowed your sibling to violate you, that you didn’t scream or escape, that you didn’t tell anyone, that you may have even encouraged their inappropriate behavior. Your sibling may have brought you to believe that you wanted it or that you are somehow responsible for it. If you were groomed or manipulated, you may be tangled in a mental and emotional knot that will be hard to escape on your own. This is why the support of a therapist and/or other survivors is so important.

 

Unwanted sexual activity is a violation–a type of violence, whether or not it was paired with actual or threatened bodily harm. When experiencing violence, some people will respond with fight or flight, but during sexual violence it is very common to freeze, especially for children.  What child could outrun or outfight most danger?  So children are wired to freeze when they face a threat.  And if you were frozen, could you possibly have run away, or pushed your sibling away, or even screamed? (Tense your throat and try to scream--can you do it?) 

Reducing Undeserved Shame and Its Power

The path to freedom from undeserved shame is not easy or fast, but it is possible. Here are some steps that may be helpful:

  • Remind yourself that your worth comes from who you are and what you do.

  • Hold on to the truth that you are not responsible for your sibling’s abusive actions; it is not your fault. Blog by author and 5WAVES cofounder Maria Socolof: It's Not Your Fault

  • Find someone to tell your story to: therapist, a friend, a listening ear ready to believe you. International Helpline Links

  • Find a support group with other survivors, online or in person. When you discover they went through similar things or felt the same way, it will validate your truth. Peer Support Links

  • Help other survivors. As you reassure others of their worth and help them place blame where it belongs, it will then become easier to believe in your own worth and truth. 

  • Cognitive Behavior Therapy can help you learn to replace negative self-talk with positive truths that move you toward more positive feelings. Search tool: Therapists trained in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy

  • Practice self-care–treat yourself like a person worthy of care and compassion, and you will learn to believe it.

  • Join groups that are speaking out and replacing their shame with pride: #MeToo, #IncestAware, #MeTooSiblingsToo, #HimToo

  • You are not alone: hear from Survivors Speaking Out

  • Your story and narrative belongs to you. If you feel you are ready, and want to share your story, either anonymously or publicly, you can and should do so. Some people want to share their story right away, others feel ready with time, and some are never ready, or never want to, publicly share their story. All options are valid. There is no right and wrong. See more guidance and wisdom from others on Sharing Your Story

Facing Shame: One Survivor's Journey

The following is an excerpt from Authority Magazine's interview with Risa Shaw, Social Impact Heroes: Why & How Author Risa Shaw is Changing Our World. Risa is the editor of Not Child’s Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest, first published in 2000 and now available in a second edition at notchildsplay.com

Shame really is the biggest yuck in all of this and can shut us down hard. And you really can look shame straight on and lessen it and its hold on you.

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When I started therapy nearly 4 decades (!) ago my therapist asked me to imagine an outline of myself and tell her what was in it. “Nothing” I told her, “Nothing is in it.” This was shame talking. Over the years, with a lot of hard work, I have filled in that outline by understanding that I was not complicit in the abuse, that there is nothing inherently bad or wrong about me that caused it or caused my family to ignore my need for protection and my need for help to heal. I filled it in with my voice, my tenderness, my hurts, my power, my legitimacy, and value. That outline burst at the seams long ago.

 

I began by removing the chokehold on my voice and spoke up about having been abused by my brother. Talking to other survivors, finding community, meeting people who do not question the effects of the abuse, trusting people who have shown me they will not abandon me, learning to find joy and beauty, trusting myself and being brave; all have all helped minimize the shame that once loomed so large. Now, when it rears its head, I can recognize it as shame. I talk to it and let it know it is part of a false narrative and that it was never mine in the first place. Then I am especially gentle with my hurt self, hurt by the shame and harm from others, and look at why the shame has come up for me (again). Each time I have more space without feeling shame, and I have tools to acknowledge it and send it on its way. It is not easy, and it will never be all gone. But I have ways of dealing with it and I know in my bones the shame is not because of “badness” inherent to me. It is because of what others did or did not do, and the consequences of other people’s failures landing on me.

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