While I Died Inside... A Mother's SSA Journey

In this guest blog, Krysta Lyn Nowlin expresses her raw reality as a mother in the aftermath of sibling sexual abuse. It does contain some graphic details of the effects of sexual abuse on children and families.

So many mixed emotions..

It's like like, how do I know how to feel??

I've took the last 2 years to focus on all my kids feelings mostly, making sure they're okay...

But how do I feel? That's a huge drop bomb question I haven't even acknowledged really...

As a parent, being stuck in the middle of a situation like that, you don't get a chance to acknowledge how you feel. You don't get to decide to pick a side or so easily or quickly make those difficult decisions that you know are going to be the right ones for everyone in the long run...

While I died inside... I stood by the boy everyday who hurt my little girl, and tried to make sure he got every single tool possible to ensure he never did what he did again....

While I died inside I listened week after week to what he'd done to her.....

While I died inside I watched my baby girl clam up in those hard therapy sessions.. not wanting to talk.... not wanting me to leave...

While I died inside, I remember her screaming in the middle of the night from the nightmares and the "monster" in her room...

While I died inside I showed up to every single court date, therapy session, probation visit, court recommended class, and everything else he had to take...

While I died inside I held my little girl in the doctor appointments as we tried to get her UTIs under control... and the exams, and all the medication she had to take just to make a bowel movement.

I died even more than a little inside when I was forced to give my sweet baby enemas bc she just wasn't pooping, and wouldn't let it out.... she would go septic before long if I didn't make her. And all I could see was the fear in her eyes looking at me, while I cried and apologized over and over and over....

While I died inside I did every possible thing I could to insure my other children knew they were loved and important too....

While I died inside I watched my marriage crumble as the stress of all this took over our lives, but we held on by every tiny last straw....

While I died inside I took on all the overwhelming home schooling bc of the fear of my girls leaving me... I took it all on my shoulders....

While I died inside I isolated.... suffering daily... migraines, pain, stress, sadness, depression.....

Not only did I die inside... I wanted to actually die....

Nothing prepares us for pain. Nothing prepares us for grief or trauma.

I have survived... even though I was dying, I found my light...

While I did what I could in the storm, I'm coming out even stronger!

I'm no longer dying, but I'm coming alive and I'm going to live.

I release my son. While I hope he never hurts again, his baggage is no longer mine to carry...

I did all I could do for him... As a mother should. I tried. I did it all. For years it was ME. I may not be his mother by blood but I stood by him through his darkest times.... even when I hated him... I was there and showed up. I never missed a beat. So letting him go, is a big step for me.

My daughter however, she is first. Her safety is first. She is the victim, she is number 1, and the suffering she endured bc of him, I'll never forgive....

So how do I feel.....

Exhausted...maybe?

Disgusted.... a little...

Hurt... definitely...

But am I healing??

Absolutely! && nobody is going to slow me down! ✨️❤️