The blog below was written by Brandy Black, one of the parent cofounders of 5WAVES. For insight from an SSA Survivor to others who are considering disclosing the truth of their sibling's actions to family, please read the companion blog, A Two Way Street: For Survivors Who Have Not Yet Disclosed, by Alice Perle.
As a parent who has been on the other side of disclosure, what do I have to say to you, a teen or adult considering telling your parents that your sibling crossed your sexual boundaries and caused trauma that you are now dealing with?
The first thing I will say is that I am so sorry for what you have endured, and that you have had to carry this burden in secrecy and silence, for as long as you have. It is not your fault that it happened, and it is not your fault that you were not able to defend yourself or find help for yourself when you were only a child. It is not your fault that your parents did not pick up on the signs that this happened, or failed to intervene to stop it.
I can’t tell you how your parents, or the rest of your family, will react. If they have shown consistent patterns in relating to others, positive or negative or unique, it’s likely their response will follow that general pattern. I wish I could promise you full support, or at least eventual support. But I can’t.
I imagine you are already painfully aware that you will not be able to control your parents’ reactions. I also imagine that it is terrifying to imagine so many possible scenarios. I have “met” (mostly online) literally hundreds of parents who have heard this news. By definition, they are parents who were able to take in the reality of their children’s sexual behavior and trauma, and seek help and support for it at some point. But among those parents, these are the most common reactions they have shared:
Shock–which can come out as initial denial or confusion, blurting out an irrelevant, stupid, possibly hurtful comment or question, being frozen and unable to speak, or other physical reactions
Anger–at your sibling, at themselves, at the sibling’s parent, and unfortunately, possibly at you
Guilt–wondering when it happened and where they were, how they missed noticing it, etc.
Fear–for you, for the family unit, for your sibling (and their family, if they have one), for themselves
Shame–can lead to minimizing, fear of others finding out
Remorse and apology–saying they’re sorry, asking what they can do for you now, and/or showing pity
Your parents’ initial reaction may be unhelpful, hurtful, or retraumatizing. If that’s the case, know that many (not all) parents will look back and regret their reaction. They may apologize, or at least come around to a better understanding and support, given more time and information. I don’t say this to excuse them, but to give you some hope.
I imagine that it will be difficult for you to witness your parent’s pain, no matter how they demonstrate it. But, even if they seem to blame you, even if you feel responsible, remember: Your parents’ pain is not your fault. It is your sibling who caused it. You are also not responsible for supporting or healing your parent(s). They will need support in grieving and healing, but it should be coming from somewhere other than you.
So what can you control? Here are some of the decisions you can make. I encourage you to prioritize your own well-being as you ponder these choices.
Will you tell in live time or via a message or letter?
Will you bring up the topic in person or remotely?
Do you want a support person with you, or at the ready to talk with you afterward?
Do you want to give your parent(s) any warning that a hard conversation will be coming, or not?
How much do you want to tell them?
Do you have any specific requests, such as not being alone with your sibling, or not having contact with your sibling at all, asking them for help in paying for your healing treatment, etc?
And, while you are not responsible for the outcome, here are some steps that may help your parents recover more quickly, and support you more effectively. I recommend that if you give any of the information below verbally, that you also back up the most important parts in writing. It’s likely that your parents’ listening and memory will not be 100% after hearing your story. This is also a way you can remind them of your wishes, without having to have the conversation over and over again.
Give your parent(s) information on sibling sexual abuse; https://www.siblingsexualtrauma.com/parents is a great place for them to start.
Feel free to refer them to our 5WAVES Facebook Group: Parents Coping with Sibling Sexual Trauma and Abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/siblingtrauma This is a great place for them to find some support, a safe place to vent and share. The group is private, and we guard that privacy very carefully.
If you have asks or hopes about how they might support you, tell them specifically what these are.
Spell out the boundaries that are important for you: Is it OK for them to ask you more questions? Is there anyone you do or do not want them to talk to about this? What are your wishes around whether it is reported to police and how? (Note: If you are an adult, you are free to choose whether to report and when. If you are still underage–18 in most places–your parents may be required or decide to make a report on your behalf.)
Give them time to process; perhaps set a way to follow up with each other after a specific amount of time has passed.
You don’t have to find the perfect time or place to let your parent know. As one parent observed, “There is no good time to hear this kind of news.” There’s no way to make this smooth or easy for you or for your parents, no matter how carefully or thoughtfully you plan. This is a time for “good enough”, not perfection.
Without a doubt, the years immediately following the disclosure in my family were the worst of my life. It was a real and profound trauma. It shook me so hard I didn’t know which way was up. It took years to recover some sense of normalcy. Yet: I am glad my child told. I did not respond as well as my children deserved, and I regret that. The path to healing, for all of us, has not been smooth. It seldom is. But I can say this with 100% certainty: I would rather endure any amount of pain than to have my children carry a toxic secret alone, hidden yet continually traumatizing and poisoning their selves and their lives. I would rather come face to face with this awful truth than to continue living a happy illusion. If my pain is a tiny part of the price required for them to begin healing, it is worth it.
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