Chasing a fantasy, living in make believe. 

Believing it could all go away. 

Pretending to be someone I’m not. Not wanting to be seen. 

Never able to relax, never fitting in. 

Always with a Kick Me sign on my back. 

Poor decisions, reckless behavior, illicit drugs supplied by him.

Stuffing my feelings, weight issues, overspending, poor money management, excessive shopping. 

Struggles with family, society, employment, relationships, and friends.

Looking for anything to escape reality.

Observant of everything and oblivious all at the same time. 

People pleasing, mistrusting, too trusting, insecure, hiding, lying, stealing, passive aggressive, angry, crying, running, fighting, no self-esteem. 

Stomach troubles, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, pain, nightmares, triggers, fear, self-loathing, suicidal.

Down rabbit hole after rabbit hole I went. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 

Therapy, chemicals and labels. Doctors, chasing blood tests, diagnostics, imaging, and hormones. 

I even called the police three different times over the decades, and they never helped me.

Fractured memories with lost chunks of time. An incomplete timeline of me. 

Living on autopilot. Putting up band aid after band aid to fix my life. 

Always struggling not to drown with my head just above water. 

Constantly looking for something or someone to fill the void.

I struggled in silence. My unjustified loyalty and love were always too strong for me. I could not speak about the horrors my brother did to me. Hoping that he would be my friend again one day. That he’d love me. 

So confused, so lost. It’s hard when you love someone and try to forgive them. 

We were both so young. It took me a long time, but I am able to forgive what happened then. But I cannot forget.

It’s all the beatings and the unimaginable abuse after, that is diabolical. The last beating happened when I was a new mother. I had to go to the hospital and needed two surgeries. 

I had to separate him into two as his little self and adult self. I will always love little him. I will never again be in the same environment as adult him. 

He has never suffered any consequences for his actions. He has no remorse. He is dangerous for me.

When I look back at my childhood, I see happy moments. I can see me running around playing, happy and enjoying life. 

But some of those memories, they are so traumatic and they are so dark.

They are so heartbreaking, that I wonder how I got through it all.

Once healing began, I was able to break these imaginary chains and my life started. 

A phenomenal transformation happened inside of me. 

All these years, and the problem was never me.

I’m 49 and I’m finally free. I transcended all guilt, shame, and embarrassment that never belonged to me. 

I left the skeletons and baggage that were not mine. 

I have a more aware and enlightened state of mind. I have a sense of self.

I found my inner child. I held her and rocked her and told her she was safe now.

I told her I would protect her. That I would never leave.

That she was so strong, so brave. What she did was amazing! 

I let my teenager have her moments and she has her say sometimes.

This has helped me heal so much.

Deep down I know I have that feisty little teenager to protect me. 

My adult self can finally smile and relax.

Little Dana is happy.

Moody Teenage Dana is content.

Adult Dana sees so much ahead for her in the future. 

My life is finally beginning. Healed before 50, oh the possibilities.

I’m finally a Butterfly. Through it all I managed to keep a path of light and love. 

And that’s all I am.

This is my journey to becoming a Butterfly.

We are all Butterflies 🦋

This blog's author is Dana, a victim, survivor, and now thriver, after sibling sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Find more of her artwork and writing at https://creative-dana.com/