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Do I Have to Choose Between My Children?

 I cope by imagining I have two jobs. I mentally punch in and out as I switch focus from one child to the other. 
 posted in parent support group, used with permission

This is an aspect of sibling sexual trauma is different than any other kind of child sexual abuse. If an adult, or a child outside the immediate family, has sexually abused a child, the family is generally encouraged to cut off contact with that individual, even if it means divorce. Survivors and families are allowed and even encouraged to turn their anger on the one who caused the harm, to seek prosecution and revenge, to demonize and label. The family may pull together by uniting around a common enemy.

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For parents in particular, sibling sexual trauma is far more complex, challenging, and nuanced. Parents who discover that their own child has violated another of their children are in a devastating position that no one could be prepared for, and that no one else truly understands. There is no roadmap for how to react or how to feel when one of your own children has sexually violated your other child/ren.  

Because abusive or harmful sexual behavior with a sibling is seldom reported or even mentioned, professionals who regularly work with sexual assault survivors may have trouble considering options that differ from the familiar narrative of demonizing the one whose harmful or abusive actions caused the trauma. Families are left to navigate a maze of expectations and laws that were written without any thought that the offender might have also been a child, let alone a family member. Parents are left in an impossible situation. It’s not unusual for the sibling who was harmed to love and miss the sibling who caused their trauma. Step-parents have another layer of dilemmas.

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Both, And

It is vital for parents to listen attentively, to recognize the truth and severity of the victim-child’s experience, and to act to promote that child’s physical and mental safety–no matter the current age of the child.

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It is valid for parents to continue to be concerned for the welfare of both children, to do their best to support both, to stay in contact with both. When the child who caused the harm is still a minor, parents have a responsibility to care for that child, no matter what the parent is feeling in the moment. These parents still need to be allowed to advocate for the welfare of the child who caused harm and to support them in any way that is appropriate. And although parents may no longer have a legal responsibility if the child is now an adult, their desire to care for and support them is still valid. (See this blog written for parents who don’t learn of the sexual trauma until their children are adults.) 

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It is also OK for a parent to focus their efforts first and foremost on the welfare of the child who was victimized. If they are no longer the custodial parent of the child who caused the trauma, they may choose to minimize contact with that child, out of solidarity with and concern for the survivor. It is normal for anyone in the family to express strong emotions. It is common for family members to hold a variety of differing and even conflicting emotions. No one should be criticized based on expectations of what they “should” be feeling. ​

If multiple children caused or experienced harm, it is likely that they will each follow a unique path to healing and/or taking responsibility. This further complicates a parent's task. Any siblings who were not directly involved in harmful or abusive behavior still have to navigate their own path to cope with the changes in their sibling relationships and their family.

There are no easy answers here, no litmus tests for what to do and when. There are so many individuals’ feelings and choices and reactions involved, so many unknowns, so many possible variations. Any family member’s plans, hopes, or expectations may change as the situation unfolds. There is no guarantee that a survivor will understand or accept the parents’ concern for the sibling who hurt them. There is no way to predict how other siblings or extended family will react. There’s no guarantee a person who has acted inappropriately will ever admit to it. A child or parent who expresses desire for reconciliation one day may give up on the process the next. But one who is adamant they will never reconcile may change their mind in time.

Some options for support and guidance:

 

  • Peer support Connecting with others who have grappled with similar decisions and dilemmas takes away a bit of the stress and fear, and a lot of the isolation and stigma. ​

  • Family therapy A sensitive and experienced family therapist may be able to help the family move toward the best balance for them.

  • Stop It Now Helpline Offers an educated and confidential listening ear, from staff familiar with sibling sexual trauma and abuse

Additional Resources

​“Not only does my adult daughter never want to see the sister who abused her again, but she doesn’t want me to stay in contact with her either. I can’t bring myself to turn my back on my own child, no matter what she did.”  

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This is a heartbreaking, and fairly common, dilemma. There is no one right answer for every parent.

 

One option: parents respect the choice of the child who was abused to not see or communicate with the sibling who harmed again, including images and news shared in public spaces in the home or online, while asserting their right to choose the type of contact they have with their other child in private.

 

However, there are other factors to consider, for example:

  • current behavior of the child who harmed their sibling 

  • the extent to which that child has taken responsibility for their actions

  • the mental status, needs, and vulnerabilities of either child 

  • the physical location and previous relationship between the parent and each sibling

  • relationships between grandparents and grandchildren

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