A Mother's Prayer

This poem, in the form of a prayer, was first shared in the 5WAVES support group for parents, and it resonated with many. 5WAVES has no religious affiliation. We do not promote any particular religion; neither do we require those who express their voices to remove their religious beliefs and experiences from what they share.

In the quiet, where shadows gather thick,

I hold a grief too deep to name.

One son, beloved, his laughter once pure—

now a wound that cuts twice, hidden and unhealed.

My daughter’s cry, soft and fractured,

echoes through every hollow place in my heart.

I ache for her stolen purity,

for the nightmares she cannot escape,

for the trust torn away, leaving only fear.

And I ache for the son I raised, now drowning in remorse,

yet even his regret cannot undo the pain.

This weight is double—

a love bruised on both sides,

for the child who wounded, and the child left wounded.

God, You are my refuge in this breaking,

the only light in this valley of shadow.

Hold her close, mend what seems unmendable,

bring peace to her haunted nights,

and let justice flow, gentle yet strong.

Guide my son through this ruin,

if grace can find a way.

Restore what feels beyond repair,

and let hope breathe here again.

A Two-Way Street: For Survivors Who Haven't Yet Disclosed

This blog is from Alice Perle, SSA Survivor and author of Resolve: A Story of Courage, Healthy Inquiry and Recovery from Sibling Sexual Abuse. Read more of her own blog at https://aliceperle.com.au/blog/ It is being released in tandem with another blog, (How) Do I Tell My Mom? by Brandy Black, a parent of sibling sexual trauma and co-founder of 5WAVES.

From Silence to Speaking Out

If you’re reading this and considering how, when, or even if you’re ready to disclose, I trust

that what I share will be helpful to you.

Carrying the weight of my abuse in silence for years felt like the dirtiest, darkest secret. As a

teen and young adult, I struggled to put it into words or find someone I could trust. My one

attempt to disclose at age ten—a call for help to a priest—ended in disappointment. He told

me it was bad and to stop it, leaving me feeling more alone than before.

For so long, I believed I was the only one this had happened to. I asked myself, "Why me?

What was wrong with me?" I buried the secret deep inside, yet it vibrated beneath the surface during loving conversations with my husband or while chatting with my mother about our new baby. No one spoke the words "sibling sexual abuse" out loud. I felt isolated.

My First Disclosures as an Adult Were Serendipitous

One afternoon, I found myself in a dual-disclosure conversation—an electric moment where I

held the phone tightly to my ear, both of us affirming our experiences with a simple "yes."

Suddenly, I was no longer alone; I discovered that our eldest brother had also abused my

sibling. The shock of this realisation was both unsettling and liberating. We expressed a

whirlwind of emotions—sadness, resentment, disbelief at our brother’s manipulation and

power, and how he made each of us believe it was "only me."

I felt a huge load lift off my shoulders. That dual disclosure led me to take action. It was time

to share my secret with those who mattered most.

Later that evening, I disclosed to my husband, who responded with love and compassion. I

felt buoyant in my truth-telling and ready to confront my mother. But when I told her that my brother had sexually abused her children, her initial response was denial. I felt crushed, confused, and abandoned. Fear held my family captive, and within days, I was asked to drop

the subject. I was good at following orders but not yet confident enough to stand firm in my truth.

Spontaneous vs. Planned Disclosures

I’ve learned that we are not responsible for our family’s reactions when disclosing. It’s likely one of the most emotional moments we may ever face together.

However, I see now that a spontaneous or unplanned disclosure is completely different from planning your disclosure. Even though I chose to go to my Mum’s place that Saturday to tell

her, I didn’t plan it out. I didn’t inform her I was coming. I was going, and ‘voila!’ I thought

the world would be a better place for us all! So, that was unplanned.

If you plan to disclose, managing how the disclosure may be delivered becomes your

responsibility. But remember, how it is received will not be your responsibility.

Once you open your mouth to share your truth, it can feel like stepping off a cliff into the

unknown, but it’s the next words—the next step beyond that—for everyone involved that

matters.

• If responded to with love, that’s a wonderful start.

• If responded to with denial, my recommendation, from experience, is to stop there.

Don’t Keep Going

What will help more is to pause and breathe three breaths. This three-breath break is similar

to the wise saying: when you get upset, count to ten before you react. This ‘break’ helps to

regulate your body’s reactive mechanism, allowing you to calm down naturally.

Based on my experience, when the response is denial, it’s not the right time for a "session". Accept that the person you’re disclosing to isn’t handling it well. So don’t make it

worse—there are no answers you can give that will help the situation. No one needs to know

the abuse details; they won’t remember that anyway. Avoid diving into more explanations or

answering questions you’re not prepared for, hoping to convince them to see your point of view.

Enough For Now

In disclosure and healing, you’ll encounter moments where the words “Enough For Now”

resonate within you. If what you’re receiving doesn’t feel like love and compassion, just stop.

It’s an “Enough For Now” moment. Don’t take their response personally. Take a deep breath and say, “Thank you for listening; it was important for me to share this with you. I love you. Let’s talk again soon.”

Walk away—return to your support system or call for guidance from a counselling service. Debrief with someone who understands. At some stage, you’ll want to be ready for the next step. My mum’s and my reactions were equally unhelpful to our relationship. My family

shrank back with fear in the days following my not-so-great disclosure to her. I wish we had

the resources that are available now, and I also wish I’d ignored the request to fall back into

silence after my disclosure. While I don’t resent my family, I see how unhelpful that silence

was for all of us.

Brave Steps Forward

Your healing begins, and growth will come with every brave step you take when what you are seeking is something that is better and whole. Silence only serves those who harmed

us—breaking that silence, whether once or many times, is a courageous act. Please know that you’ve done a brave thing, regardless of the response you receive.

Disclosing is a deeply personal decision; there is no right or wrong time to do it. It may come

up spontaneously or because someone else prompted it. You can choose when and if you

want to share your story and how much you wish to share. You are not wrong for wanting to

speak your truth, nor for waiting until you feel ready. You are not to blame if things go wrong, as they did for me. That was only one step; there are more steps that can go right beyond that first conversation.

Ready for Something Better

My leap of faith at 25 was hopeful; breaking the silence I’d lived with for so long, I was

ready to take steps forward. It didn’t occur to me that preparation could have made things less painful for my mum and me. I noticed the difference, though – I didn’t prepare for the

disclosure to my husband, and I got a completely different response. I’m grateful my husband was there for me, willing to help once I’d shared my experiences. Our relationship grew stronger because of my disclosures.

Unfortunately, Mum and I didn’t have the skills to make what happened that day work for us,

not for a long while, anyway. Conscious, values-based communication wasn’t something we had been taught back then.

Spontaneous or planned disclosure comes with risks, but counselling services and resources are available today to help you prepare better than I did.

Ask For Help

Whether or not you decide to disclose your abuse, remember that your recovery can begin at

any time. You don’t have to carry the burden alone.

In his book ‘Stolen Tomorrows: Understanding and Treating Women’s Childhood Sexual Abuse’, Dr. Steven Levenkron emphasises that the longer abuse remains hidden, the more it can seep into our lives, shaping our beliefs and relationships. It’s not just about reporting what happened; it’s about reclaiming your truth and breaking free from the shame that has held you captive.

Speaking out, or asking for help—whether from a counsellor, doctor, therapist, or trusted

friend—can open the door to recovery and help manage those disclosures that might otherwise feel too risky to tackle right now.

Many resources and supports are out there to help you along the way. You might start with

a peer support group. You could browse 5WAVES.org and siblingsexualtrauma.com, which

both have extensive information and links to opportunities for healing, to hear about other

survivors’ stories, and options for sharing yours, if you choose.

The Other Two-Way Street: Moving Toward Recovery Together

As Dr. Gabor Maté wisely points out in his book ‘When the Body Says No: The Cost of

Hidden Stress’, healing from trauma is never just about the individual; it’s about the larger

system. Family dynamics and intergenerational trauma play significant roles in shaping our

responses. The beautiful truth is that change is possible. We don’t have to remain trapped

in silence and dysfunction that enabled the abuse.

As you, the survivor, do the deeply personal work of accepting your trauma and its

repercussions, your family—if they choose—will also need to navigate their own healing.

For parents, this may mean stepping out of denial and learning how to be supportive in ways that truly help.

Each of our journeys beyond disclosure is unique. Some families may never fully reconcile, but recovery is still yours to claim, no matter what happens.

The Gift of Time

Disclosure and recovery are not a one-size-fits-all process. I disclosed many times since those first disclosures, and can now speak with awareness and confidence. I found recovery was multi-layered, and it has taken longer than I first wishfully hoped. Because the repercussions of sibling sexual abuse touch multiple areas of our lives, we need to be kind to ourselves, take time, take breaks, and return to therapy, possibly multiple times. The best thing we can do is start.

Prioritising You

You can walk toward recovery, a kind and loving gift to yourself and those you love. If you choose to disclose, know that you are taking a brave step toward breaking the cycle of

trauma. Your voice matters. Your story matters. And your recovery is worth every step you take.

If you find yourself reading this, perhaps you’re considering disclosing, or you did what I

did, and received love or received denial, or both. There’s no rush; there’s no right or wrong

way to begin this process. If things didn’t go so well, you’re not stuck. There are next steps

that can be taken.

But please know that recovery and your personal growth are possible. Whether your family

stands by you or not, you deserve to live a life free from the burden of your past. Your voice will be there when you’re ready, waiting for you to reclaim it. And when you do, you will not be alone.

(How) Do I Tell My Mom???

The blog below was written by Brandy Black, one of the parent cofounders of 5WAVES. For insight from an SSA Survivor to others who are considering disclosing the truth of their sibling's actions to family, please read the companion blog, A Two Way Street: For Survivors Who Have Not Yet Disclosed, by Alice Perle.

As a parent who has been on the other side of disclosure, what do I have to say to you, a teen or adult considering telling your parents that your sibling crossed your sexual boundaries and caused trauma that you are now dealing with? 

The first thing I will say is that I am so sorry for what you have endured, and that you have had to carry this burden in secrecy and silence, for as long as you have. It is not your fault that it happened, and it is not your fault that you were not able to defend yourself or find help for yourself when you were only a child. It is not your fault that your parents did not pick up on the signs that this happened, or failed to intervene to stop it. 

I can’t tell you how your parents, or the rest of your family, will react. If they have shown consistent patterns in relating to others, positive or negative or unique, it’s likely their response will follow that general pattern. I wish I could promise you full support, or at least eventual support. But I can’t. 

I imagine you are already painfully aware that you will not be able to control your parents’ reactions. I also imagine that it is terrifying to imagine so many possible scenarios. I have “met” (mostly online) literally hundreds of parents who have heard this news. By definition, they are parents who were able to take in the reality of their children’s sexual behavior and trauma, and seek help and support for it at some point. But among those parents, these are the most common reactions they have shared:

• Shock–which can come out as initial denial or confusion, blurting out an irrelevant, stupid, possibly hurtful comment or question, being frozen and unable to speak, or other physical reactions

• Anger–at your sibling, at themselves, at the sibling’s parent, and unfortunately, possibly at you

• Guilt–wondering when it happened and where they were, how they missed noticing it, etc. 

• Fear–for you, for the family unit, for your sibling (and their family, if they have one), for themselves

• Shame–can lead to minimizing, fear of others finding out

• Remorse and apology–saying they’re sorry, asking what they can do for you now, and/or showing pity

Your parents’ initial reaction may be unhelpful, hurtful, or retraumatizing. If that’s the case, know that many (not all) parents will look back and regret their reaction. They may apologize, or at least come around to a better understanding and support, given more time and information. I don’t say this to excuse them, but to give you some hope. 

I imagine that it will be difficult for you to witness your parent’s pain, no matter how they demonstrate it. But, even if they seem to blame you, even if you feel responsible, remember: Your parents’ pain is not your fault. It is your sibling who caused it. You are also not responsible for supporting or healing your parent(s). They will need support in grieving and healing, but it should be coming from somewhere other than you. 

So what can you control? Here are some of the decisions you can make. I encourage you to prioritize your own well-being as you ponder these choices.

• Will you tell in live time or via a message or letter?

• Will you bring up the topic in person or remotely?

• Do you want a support person with you, or at the ready to talk with you afterward?

• Do you want to give your parent(s) any warning that a hard conversation will be coming, or not? 

• How much do you want to tell them? 

• Do you have any specific requests, such as not being alone with your sibling, or not having contact with your sibling at all, asking them for help in paying for your healing treatment, etc? 

And, while you are not responsible for the outcome, here are some steps that may help your parents recover more quickly, and support you more effectively. I recommend that if you give any of the information below verbally, that you also back up the most important parts in writing. It’s likely that your parents’ listening and memory will not be 100% after hearing your story. This is also a way you can remind them of your wishes, without having to have the conversation over and over again. 

• Give your parent(s) information on sibling sexual abuse; https://www.siblingsexualtrauma.com/parents is a great place for them to start.

• Feel free to refer them to our 5WAVES Facebook Group: Parents Coping with Sibling Sexual Trauma and Abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/siblingtrauma This is a great place for them to find some support, a safe place to vent and share. The group is private, and we guard that privacy very carefully.

• If you have asks or hopes about how they might support you, tell them specifically what these are.

• Spell out the boundaries that are important for you: Is it OK for them to ask you more questions? Is there anyone you do or do not want them to talk to about this? What are your wishes around whether it is reported to police and how? (Note: If you are an adult, you are free to choose whether to report and when. If you are still underage–18 in most places–your parents may be required or decide to make a report on your behalf.)

• Give them time to process; perhaps set a way to follow up with each other after a specific amount of time has passed.

You don’t have to find the perfect time or place to let your parent know. As one parent observed, “There is no good time to hear this kind of news.” There’s no way to make this smooth or easy for you or for your parents, no matter how carefully or thoughtfully you plan. This is a time for “good enough”, not perfection.

Without a doubt, the years immediately following the disclosure in my family were the worst of my life. It was a real and profound trauma. It shook me so hard I didn’t know which way was up. It took years to recover some sense of normalcy. Yet: I am glad my child told. I did not respond as well as my children deserved, and I regret that. The path to healing, for all of us, has not been smooth. It seldom is. But I can say this with 100% certainty: I would rather endure any amount of pain than to have my children carry a toxic secret alone, hidden yet continually traumatizing and poisoning their selves and their lives. I would rather come face to face with this awful truth than to continue living a happy illusion. If my pain is a tiny part of the price required for them to begin healing, it is worth it.