We're Not Alone!

I began writing the content for siblingsexualtrauma.com nearly four years ago. As far as I knew, it was the only site on the web specifically devoted to facing sibling sexual trauma or abuse. That's why I wrote it; I wanted to share the information I had gleaned and the lessons I had learned with those who came after me. I expected that it wouldn't always be the only website on the topic. And now I know that to be true.

By the time the women of 5WAVES came together and got siblingsexualtrauma.com published online, we had already connected with SSA survivor Nancy Morris and discovered her pre-existing site: SiblingsToo.com. This site points users to SiblingsToo's real gold mine of information and connection: the SiblingsToo Podcast and SiblingsToo Day event videos. It also includes a blog, a journaling tool, and more.

In 2022 the UK Home Office's Sibling Sexual Abuse Project launched https://siblingsexualabusesupport.org/ This site focuses on the needs of adult survivors of sibling sexual abuse. It includes a private community forum, a blog, information and links to support resources. Some of the 5WAVES cofounders were involved in the steering group that developed this site.

More recently, survivor Colleen Mullowney launched https://www.sstaaware.org/. Her goal is to bring awareness to sibling sexual trauma and abuse, through the stories of survivors, and presentations aimed at university students--those who are studying to enter public service fields, those who are dealing with history of sibling sexual abuse in their own family, and those who will be more aware in their personal parenting.

Surviving Sibling Intimate Harm, https://www.siblingintimateharm.com/, is the latest site to come to our awareness. It is the start of a Canadian survivor's effort to reach other survivors with support, counseling, and community.

There are also a number of websites with a connection to personal books and memoirs. They also include blogs, extra content, and links to resources: https://aliceperle.com.au/, https://notchildsplay.com/, https://www.jane-epstein.com, https://dianetarantini.com/, https://www.philagoldstein.com/resources-for-survivors (including content for male survivors) and https://healingfromchronicpain.com/ (for those whose trauma manifests in physical pain).

It is notable that most of these efforts were undertaken, or at least begun, without any awareness of the others' existence. This is evidenced by the diverse language used to describe our experiences: "brother-sister incest," "sibling intimate harm," "sibling sexual trauma," "sibling sexual abuse." The topic was so hidden, and we were each so isolated, that we had to make up our own language to talk about it.

Most likely, there are others presently writing, creating, and trying to speak out, of which we are unaware, and who have not discovered us. Yet, with each voice, each story, each mention, the reality of sibling sexual abuse is slowly emerging from the shadows.

An Introduction to Risa Shaw and Not Child's Play

Brandy: This blog introduces Risa Shaw: Sibling Sexual Abuse Survivor, Educator, Author, Artist, and Activist. In the year 2000, a generation before 5WAVES, Jane’s TEDx Talk, and the SiblingsToo podcast, Risa Shaw self-published the book Not Child’s Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest (reprinted with additional content in 2023 in a 2nd edition, now available to order). It was a 13 year stop-and-go effort, ultimately featuring 56 pieces of visual and written art created by 35 female survivors. How did she do it, before #MeToo, without the internet…and what did action figures have to do with it? Why did she publish a second edition 23 years later? Read on to hear Risa’s account, as told to Brandy & 5WAVES.

Risa: It was 1984. I was 24 years old, heading back to the Midwest (US) where I would see my entire family. I knew I had to tell them about the abuse. After letting my brother know I was about to tell the rest of my family, he begged me not to say anything. But I did tell them, one by one. (Read more about Risa's disclosures in the Preface to the second edition and in “Footsteps on the Stairs” in her book.)

Disclosure to my family was a huge decision and step for me. At the time my brother admitted to some of what he had done, but not all of it. Each of my three parents and other siblings said they believed me, and yet in large part there was no real support or accountability. As I was telling my mom, she stopped me, told me she believed me, and told me she just couldn’t hear any more. I thought she and I would never talk about the abuse again, but she ended up being the most constant support to me. She told me she could talk about the abuse and its effects in bits so sometimes our conversations were short. But they were consistent and she stayed with me. Many of my family members have not shown they are able and/or willing to accept and deal with the consequences of the abuse, not only as it affects me but as it affects the entire family. That continues to be hard for me and it impacts our relationships. Though it may be futile, I’m not sure I’ll ever give up hoping for accountability and repair in my family. 

I knew I needed more support than I would get from my family and I really wanted to hear the voices of other women who had suffered sexual abuse from their own brothers. I knew they were out there. I read everything I could find on incest, but found no mention of brother-sister incest. (To be clear, boys are also abused by their siblings, and girls are sometimes the abusers. But this was the 1980s when no one was talking about sexual assault, and it was the only language I had.) I needed to hear other peoples’ stories and started talking about collecting them for an anthology. Once I began, I said I would be happy to stop my project/book if someone else published first. No one ever did. So, by word of mouth, and posting flyers in coffee shops and bookstores, we invited survivors to mail their stories to a P.O. Box. I received hundreds of contributions. We were finding one another! 

Incest Survivor Action Girl: Bones, age 5

One day a friend and I were joking about needing incest survivor action figures to show strength and protect others. The next day she showed up with a box of not-so-gently-used Barbies, along with clay, cloth, and other materials. That was the start of several gatherings where we created the Incest Survivor Action Figures. We made six of them! We gave each her own superpower, name, age and backstory. We had no idea how badly we needed them! They are featured on the cover as well as in the book. They are fierce! 

I collected stories and worked on the project on and off for years. I started looking for a publisher, but no one would consider a book on this subject. I was determined that this book was going to be published! So I would have to self-publish. There was no GoFundMe in the 1990s, but it was still a crowd-funded effort; some of the contributors had skills they offered, friends gave money, helped edit, and distributed the book. Finally, after 13 years, in the fall of 2000, I had 3000 copies printed! Then I set about trying to get them into people’s hands. 

Some mainstream bookstores stocked the book, but most people didn’t know about it. I found my niche in women’s bookstores, by word of mouth and by doing readings in (mostly) feminist spaces. A writer for the AP (Associated Press) learned about the book and wrote a piece that appeared in nearly 70 small-medium size newspapers nationwide. Suddenly, I was getting letters from survivors (and some family members) from all over the U.S. They were seeing for the first time their own experience being recognized, named, and written about. This was huge. 

By 2014 all the copies were in people’s hands and homes. Yet requests for the book continued. When I retired, I went to work on publishing a second edition. Simply writing the new preface took over a year, in large part because I wrote a “very nice and informative” first version, and then decided that the preface to the new edition needed to be my story. I love that preface and what I wrote. I love it for its power and clarity. I love it for putting my courage and resilience on paper and gifting it to those who read it.

It is my hope that the book will reach others who need it: survivors of sibling sexual abuse/incest who finally see writings and art they can relate to; family members, bystanders, professionals, and people who think they don’t need this book or need to know about this topic. If we are going to heal and prevent more children from being harmed and harming others, everyone needs to think about and talk about sibling sexual abuse. The greatest measure of healing for me has been speaking out and providing a space for others to speak out, both through the process of birthing this book and creating tender, courageous community over the years.

Action Figure: Celtic Girl, age 14

Brandy: A lot has changed since 1987, but there is plenty that has not changed. Risa found little to no mention of sibling incest in the books she read, so she had to write her own book. Twenty years later, I found little to no mention of sibling incest on the internet, so I began writing siblingsexualtrauma.com. The mainstream press is still reluctant to touch the subject of sibling sexual abuse. But we can now create and share podcasts, webinars, blogs, videos, and online support tools and groups. A few press outlets – particularly in the UK – are daring to dip their toes into the subject. The second edition of Risa’s book is yet another wave in an incoming tide of awareness and truth-telling by survivors of sibling incest. You can get Risa’s book and stickers (her art), and see resources, events and media coverage at www.notchildsplay.com.

The Unraveling

Jane, a survivor of sibling sexual abuse, shares her process of grief giving rise to hope.

Last year, my mother passed away, leaving behind a tidal wave of grief that crashed into my life with an unforgiving force. In the midst of this turmoil, a long-buried memory resurfaced—a haunting recollection of an eight-year-old girl, vulnerable and lost, who had endured the unthinkable: abuse at the hands of her own sister.

As the weight of that memory settled over me, I felt the walls of grief, pain, anger, and shame closing in. It became overwhelming, a cacophony of emotions that I could no longer ignore. It was in that dark moment that I made a decision: I would seek help. I started therapy, a choice that has since transformed my life.

Through the sessions, I began to sift through the rubble of my past, uncovering the little girl who had been silenced for far too long. Her innocence had been shattered by a single event, yet in my heart, I found a flicker of resilience. I realized that I am not defined by what happened to me. Instead, I uncovered a remarkable strength—courage and bravery that surpasses what many may ever know.

As I embarked on this journey of healing, I discovered a profound love for myself, a love that had been obscured by shame and fear. I learned to embrace my imperfections and accept my scars as part of my story. With that acceptance came understanding—a responsibility to not only be kind to myself but to extend that kindness to others.

I learned that I am a survivor, capable of rewriting my narrative. The past no longer holds me captive; it serves as a reminder of my strength and resilience. I understand now that change is always possible, and it’s never too late to reclaim my life.

With every session, every tear shed, and every laugh shared, I’ve woven together a new tapestry of hope. I am learning to navigate the world with newfound grace and courage. I am ready to step into the future, knowing there is always room for healing and growth.

In the end, it was the unraveling of my grief that led me to the most profound discovery of all: I am worthy of love, joy, and a life unshackled by the past. And with that realization, I take my first steps towards a brighter tomorrow.