A Step-Mother's Dilemma

What happens when your daughter discloses that her half-brother sexually abused her? I never in my wildest dreams imagined it could ever be a possibility. Does such a thing exist? Do siblings sexually abuse one another?

Those of you reading this unfortunately know it does exist! The pain is heart wrenching, the anguish is real. How do you navigate the torn loyalties, how do you support both?

For me, I went into rescue mode. This was a boy who I helped raise for over 10 years. If I didn’t protect him, my family would fall apart. My marriage would certainly be over. My initial thoughts when disclosure occurred was, “He must have been abused himself, these are not normal teenage behaviours.” My husband and I discussed this with my stepson, we were so empathetic and understanding, we assured him he had our unconditional love and support. This was vital so he felt comfortable to open up. Thankfully there was no prior abuse; however, that left me with a huge dilemma. What was the reasoning behind this awful behaviour that caused so much damage and destruction to our family? There was no simple answer.

The days, weeks and months went by. They felt like years. My heart yearned for the little boy I helped raise. Where did it all go wrong? In those moments of sadness and grief, my irrational thoughts and anger kicked in. “How could you feel this way, you cannot be sad or worried for him? You are not fit to be a mother, your daughter should be the most important person, how would she feel if she knew you were thinking this way? She would disown you; she should have your full loyalty. He is not even your son. You are despicable…” I suppressed my feelings of disgust, hurt and anger, swallowing them whole, each one feeling like a dagger. I would not let myself feel them or let them have a negative impact. He too was a child after all, a child I had helped raise. A child who I loved and was proud of. Although biologically not mine, I had invested so much in him, did everything any biological mother would.

I was in a constant battle with myself, so many conflicting feelings. I punished myself for being a loyal, loving, empathetic compassionate person. My shadow side wanted to destroy the compassion. I was in constant turmoil. I felt like I had so many different personas and was completely out of control on the inside, moving from one emotion to another in a matter of seconds. My head was constantly spinning. I wanted to scream all the time.

I tried to bury it all, I needed to stay focused and take my emotions out of the equation. I put on a mask. I was logical, calm, focused, stable and pragmatic. I had to be, if I wasn’t, who was going to sort this mess out and ensure the kids were ok? I had to ensure that my stepson’s mother and I worked closely together to ensure that my stepson felt supported and got the best possible help and intervention. That in itself was extremely challenging at times. I was seeing what was best for the family as a whole, her main concern was her son.

Although my daughter had a therapist, I became her therapist, I was her everything. I was the person she told every detail to. I was the one that lay at night consoling her. I was the one that had to explain every step of the process to her, why family members said and did certain things that she couldn’t understand. Why they ‘were taking his side’ in her mind.

The first few months, I held it all together pretty well, but you can only do that for so long before the volcano erupts and emotions resurface. Everything started to become all about my stepson and it felt like my daughter was being lost in the process. It felt like he had an army behind him to provide support but my daughter only had me. The more I saw her pain, the more distance it put between my stepson and I.

I felt I couldn’t be open and honest with my husband, or anyone for that matter. I was too ashamed about my thoughts and feelings. My daughter expressed her pain and anguish to me but would not mention a single thing to her father or anyone else. Others didn’t see the full extent of the damage that was done or understand how disclosure brings everything to the fore. The safety mechanisms she once had as survival tools had disappeared because everything was now out in the open.

What really helped me navigate the turmoil and ambivalence was journaling. I allowed myself to fully express those negative thoughts and feelings without feeling ashamed, judged or that I was a terrible person. I was justified to feel angry, enraged, disgusted, hurt, betrayed, disappointed, etc. Who wouldn’t, when their child has been hurt so much, and seeing someone they love suffer? It doesn’t matter who the person that harmed them was, the pain is very real. But when it is another sibling, that brings a whole new layer and set of complexities.

It was only through acknowledging my true feelings did the hurt and anger start to dissipate. I was able to breathe again because I had expressed them in a safe way without hurting anyone’s feelings. For those that feel ashamed of these emotions, please don’t, they are valid.

Through reflection and self-awareness, I was able to recognise that my emotions were related to the behaviours of my stepson and the damage they did. They were not a result of him as a person. I think it is very important to make the distinction between the person and their behaviour. For me, separating the behaviour from the person was freeing. It allowed me to grieve in peace for what my family had lost–the original family unit–and still show compassion, love and empathy towards my stepson. My daughter does not want a relationship with him, I don’t know if she ever will, but that is her decision. I have maintained some contact; we are not as close as we were, but we have found our ‘new normal’ that works for all concerned.

To anyone navigating this journey, my advice is be patient with yourself. We all hope and have certain expectations in the beginning but they can change quite often, due to a number of different factors. There is no right or wrong in relation to feelings and there is no rule book or guide in these situations. You can and will get through, you may just need to adjust your expectations.

My adult child just told me their sibling abused them sexually when they were kids...what now??

Note: This article is directed at parents whose children are all now over age 18.

Most children who have been sexually abused by a sibling don’t tell anyone until they are an adult–if at all. Many will wait until both parents have died to bring it up in the family. If you are a parent and your adult child has taken the immensely difficult step to share the long-held, devastating secret of a sexual experience with a sibling, it is crucial to take it seriously.

This has to be one of the most difficult situations a parent could face. It’s too late to intervene. There’s a lot you cannot do once your children are adults. You may feel torn between your children, between your past and your present. Still, your reaction and the actions you take will mean a lot to the child who came to you, any other children who were involved, and the whole family. Your support can still truly help.

Realizing first and foremost that every situation is unique, here are few suggestions, including things to be prepared to encounter:

Get yourself support. This can be professional therapy or counseling, confiding in a trusted friend or relative, finding a peer support group–or ideally, a combination. Your own emotional support will be a lifeline as you navigate a situation that is complicated and humiliating for you as well as your children. You may have to grieve the family you thought you had; you may question your own identity as a parent. It is normal to have a multitude of strong feelings, including guilt, shame, failure, anger, fear, betrayal, hopelessness, confusion, ambivalence. This will be a marathon, not a sprint; an obstacle course, not a straightforward process. It is important to know you are not alone. There are places to connect with other parents in your situation, which can be very helpful.

Learn about trauma and memory. You need to understand that even if many of the details that your adult child remembers might not add up with circumstances or timelines you know to be true, the gist of what happened should still be believed. It is not at all unusual for people who have experienced sexual trauma at the hands of a family member to have no conscious memory of the experience for years or even decades. The truth of how they feel about it and how it is affecting them is paramount right now.

Start learning about childhood trauma and the ways it may be affecting your child now as an adult. Try to understand that when your adult child starts to talk about and deal with their past sexual trauma, their memories and emotions are beginning at the age they were when it happened. Some parents find it helpful to picture their child at that age when talking to them. Your adult child is likely to have strong feelings, which may seem to be contradictory. Their feelings and beliefs are coming from a child’s fear, not an adult’s reasoning. It is also helpful to gain insight into any trauma that may have affected you as a child, and also the way that this current crisis may be affecting you in the present.

Let your child take the lead. Make it a priority to honor the choices of your child who was sexually violated, on decisions such as who they want to see at family gatherings, who is told what, whether to report to authorities, whether they go to therapy. The survivor had their power and control taken away when the abuse happened, and they need opportunities to take control now as part of their healing. You do still have the right to continue a relationship with the child who harmed them, if you choose, but you may have to do so in a way that respects the survivor child’s needs for space and healing.

Be careful about boundaries. Identifying and respecting the boundaries between yourself and your children will be especially important as your family moves forward. There are many good books and courses about boundaries, to introduce the concept or deepen your understanding. 12-step groups are also a good source of resources and support in this area. (Most Al-Anon groups welcome anyone navigating difficult family relationships, whether or not alcohol is a factor.)

Your children may express anger and blame toward you. The child who survived may be convinced that you knew the abusive behavior was going on, even if you did not. Even the child who caused the harm may take out their anger, shame, or blame on you. Your job for now is to listen, to validate your children’s feelings, and to acknowledge any grain of truth or new revelations in what they share with you. If you can resist the urge to push back or defend yourself, you will increase the chance that they will feel supported enough to keep on healing, and that your relationship will survive and become more positive eventually. Expect things to get worse before they get better.

Expect ambivalence, changing or contradictory attitudes or decisions, on the part of your adult child. Expect that they probably didn’t tell you everything right away. Realize you probably won’t ever know all that you want to know or have all your questions answered.

What about the child who did wrong? It’s common for the child who caused the harm to initially deny it if confronted directly. It is quite possible that an adult who caused harm as a child or teen does not consciously remember what they did or does not realize how significantly it affected their sibling. If you discuss the subject with them, strive for safety and support, and avoid stigma and shame. It may be helpful to give them resources they can use confidentially, as this may be a more realistic next step for them than admitting their actions to you.

How can I protect my grandchildren now? It can be helpful to educate yourself about the difference between children’s harmful sexual behavior and adult sexual abuse of children. The sibling who caused sexual abuse as a child is not necessarily still a danger to the children now in their life. But you can and should share information about steps that all families should take to protect children against child sexual abuse, and about signs to look for and steps to take if you are worried about any adult’s behavior with children.

It may feel as if there’s nothing you can do. You may worry that your initial reaction was more harmful than helpful. But what you do from this day forward still matters, immensely. Your belief and support of your adult child survivor is a crucial gift that only you can give. Your unconditional love and acceptance of the child who caused the harm may be a lifeline to that child as well.

(If you are an adult who survived sibling sexual trauma as a child, there are resources for you here.)

It's not a big deal...is it???

This is a joint blog by Brandy Black, and fellow 5WAVES member Jane Epstein. Jane recently gave the first talk on the TEDx platorm on the subject of sibling sexual trauma. Here she shares a critical point in her journey as a survivor.

Jane:

It was the morning I’d typed the words in my journal, “I want to die, die, die.” I felt small. My life felt out of order, and I could not understand why. What was wrong with me?

I had tried marriage counseling. I had tried one-on-one counseling and antidepressants. I gave up alcohol. Nothing was working.

The marriage counselor had said at a recent session, "Jane, your anger does not match the circumstances." I have had a temper all my life. I thought it was just part of my make up. All my screaming and anger at my husband and the kids.

My life was like a puzzle. The pieces were there, but they just didn’t fit. One by one, I started to turn over every painful moment in my life, scrutinizing them for answers. But there were so many! I was overwhelmed.

There was one piece that I’d kept off to the side. I was sure it didn’t fit. It wasn’t a big deal. It couldn’t possibly be the cause of so much anger and suffering. But I had tried every other piece already. So I scheduled a one-on-one with the marriage counselor.

***

I struggled to find the words to use. “My brother messed with me when I was 6 years old until I was 12.” I stated it matter of factly, thinking this would prove to him and myself that it was not a big deal, that it was not affecting me.

The therapist remained seated and did not move. Perhaps he was trying to conceal his surprise. He asked me questions, gently. “How long did this go on? How did it start? Have you ever told anyone?”

I looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. “It's not a big deal, is it? He was my brother. I mean, it never went too far, and he apologized. I've dealt with it.”

The therapist tilted his head to the left and leaned in towards me as though he was about to break out in prayer for me. He kept his composure, trying not to alarm me.

I started to feel like I had just leaked a big secret, and I wanted to take it back. “I was never afraid of him. I mean, he never threatened me.”

“This is kind of a big deal.”

“Are you sure this is a big deal? Aren't kids curious?”

He reassured me. “Yes, kids are curious. Once or twice. Curiosity does not span the course of six years.”

“But I'm guilty. I sought him out....I...even tried to, um, seduce him. I asked for it, so who am I to be fucked up over it?”

“Your body reacted the way it was designed to react. The touch may have felt good. It explains why you became hypersexual. It's what you were taught. It made relationships and sex transactional.”

I kept fighting back. “But it was just my brother.”

“Yes. It's a complex relationship and situation.”

I didn't want to go there. But there was a grain of truth here, small as a grain of salt, but still, something to look at. Could this be why I’d always felt full of shame, not worthy of love?

“You need to tell your husband.”

“No, I can't! He will blame all of our marital problems on me now for sure!”

“He loves you. He is loyal to you. He would want to know.”

***

Brandy:

There are generally two reactions to harmful sexual contact between siblings. One is to deem it too repulsive to consider, too shameful to acknowledge. The other reaction is to minimize it–it’s not really sexual assault; it’s “not a big deal;” it’s “just kids being kids.” To be clear, a bit of mutual sexual curiosity or exploration between peers or siblings is considered normal. But ironically, this reality is too often used as a route to reaction number one–an excuse to deny the existence of real harm, real abuse, real trauma.

Children who are subjected to abusive sexual behavior by a sibling experience every bit as much harm, trauma, and shame as those who experience other types of sexual abuse and assault. Consider these factors:

• Sibling sexual trauma tends to start at a younger age and last for a longer time than any other type of sexual abuse.

• Siblings are likely to spend a lot of time together–so there are frequent opportunities for abusive behavior

• Children who are being harmed are living in constant contact with the person whose abusive behavior is causing the harm, thus their sense of safety is constantly compromised.

• The betrayal of trust and safety when a child is sexually violated by a sibling is on par with parental incest.

• Sibling sexual trauma is so taboo that people who have been affected by it experience extreme isolation. Many survivors live decades without even knowing what to call it or realizing it has happened to anyone else.

• The ongoing and hidden nature of sibling sexual trauma very often causes survivors to experience dissociation, amnesia, PTSD, and other physical and behavioral conditions caused by stress and shame turned inward.

***

Jane:

Weeks later, I was back in the marriage counselor’s office, this time together with my husband. Again, my eyes were on the floor and my heart was in my throat. I somehow got the words out. “My brother messed with me when I was a kid.”

Would he mock me? Blame me? Turn on me in disgust? Accuse me of being overdramatic?

Thankfully, none of the above.

“Jane, I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

That wasn’t the end of my troubles. My life and my marriage weren’t “fixed” that day. But my therapist’s and my husband’s supportive responses allowed my journey of healing to begin.

***

My husband had lived for eight years with a survivor of sibling sexual trauma–and he had no idea. With sibling sexual trauma suspected to be the most common form of child sexual abuse, there is a very good chance that either you or someone you know well has been affected by it. Even if you don’t know who they are, you can still let them know they are not alone. Simply share this blog. Watch and share my TEDx Talk about sibling sexual abuse. Connect to me at complicatedcourage.com

Learn more and find more helpful resources at www.siblingsexualtrauma.com, such as:

Where is the line between normal curiosity and abusive behavior?

How is sibling sexual trauma different than other child sexual abuse?

Should I tell someone?

What should I do if someone tells me it happened to them–adult or child?

What if I think I might have crossed the line myself?

photo: Maria Socolof