Behind the Dark Night

Poem & Image by Maria Socolof, Cofounder of 5WAVES, Survivor of sibling sexual trauma, & Author of The Invisible Key: Unlocking the Mystery of My Chronic Pain. Poem reprinted with permission from Maria's website, healingfromchronicpain.wordpress.com

I cover my eyes Shame held tight It’s safe in here But dark as night In fact, darker than night The darkest I’ve known I keep my hands plastered Feel what it’s like It’s lonely, it’s sad It’s absent of light It’s shielded and sheltered But void of life I keep my hands there To let it sink in As safe as it feels It’s empty within I keep my hands there I juggle the two Comfort and solace Versus nothing anew I keep my hands there Longer than wanted I feel it and feel it and feel it It’s haunting What am I missing In a safe—but dark—place? Freedom and love Wide open space This time I look past The deepest of dark Run through it with courage I’m on my mark I pull my hands off The light bright and brilliant Can safety be found In my untethered milieu? Family and friends give their support I’m learning to take it But what’s more important I’m learning to make it Make my own love That I send from my heart To the one in that dark place To help her get out

Chained, but Reclaimed

I was too young to name the night,

too naïve to flee or fight.

My body froze, my breath ran cold,

while hands took what I couldn’t hold.

He smiled like it was just a game,

with selfishness behind the frame.

"Let’s play the game!" is what he said,

while static silence filled my head.

It felt so wrong, I don’t know why,

I bit my tongue, believed his lies.

A twisted rule I couldn't break,

a choice I never got to make.

He asked to play, but I said "no..."

Yet still, he wouldn't let me go.

I tried to hide under the sheets,

but shadows swallowed up my pleas.

I learned too soon: "Don’t fight! Don’t run!

Just close your eyes until it’s done."

My body speaks what I despise,

a language burned my soul and mind.

My smooth young skin tattooed with shame,

and my bones are now in flames.

I don’t know how; I don’t know why,

but my soul repeats the lie.

The lie that whispers in my ear,

that love is tangled up with fear.

That pain and pleasure intertwine,

that what was his was somehow mine.

I trace the scars he left behind,

etched in places eyes can't find.

In love, I fear; in trust, I drown,

as his ghost still pulls me down.

I flinch at hands that mean no harm,

loving touch feels like false alarm.

My body begs for what I hate,

a cruel need I can't escape.

Still, I slowly rise, though unsure,

looked at myself, I reassured:

"I'm not him, I'm not my past,

I'll break these chains, and heal at last."

 u/NobodyMe125 founded r/SiblingSexualAbuse as a space for survivors to connect on Reddit, at https://www.reddit.com/r/SiblingSexualAbuse/?rdt=49225 He first shared this poem within that group.

The Pyramid of Responsibility

Brandy writes: As soon as I listened to Paula Lobos-Sucarrat’s interview with Nancy Morris, released for #Siblings Too Day 2024, I knew her ideas needed a wide audience, and I wanted to write a blog on it. The concept of a pyramid of responsibility took a firm hold in my mind. Here I share some reflections on Lobos-Sucarrat’s pyramid concept, along with a new graphical illustration (below).

This version created by Brandy Black of 5WAVES, based on the work of Paula Lobos-Sucarrat. Stronger empirical evidence around causal factors is needed, but those listed here are currently thought to play a role.

One of the questions that comes to mind when one encounters harmful or abusive sibling sexual behavior is, “Why did they do it? What would cause anyone to act this way toward their own sibling?” 

The question is never easy to answer, on either an individual or a population-wide level. The first place that researchers, investigators, or parents usually look is to the sibling who is responsible for the harmful sexual behavior. A common assumption is that there must be something inherently wrong, or fundamentally damaged, in that child or teen. While that is a factor which needs to be explored, it would be unfair, inaccurate, and dangerous not to also consider factors that contribute to the harmful or abusive behavior. 

Current research and professional education is becoming increasingly focused on the need to place the actions of individual children into the context of their family. Even into their teen years, children are not totally autonomous. By definition, sibling sexual trauma takes place within the family. Parents and caregivers have a legal and ethical responsibility to supervise, guide, and protect their children, in whatever ways are appropriate to their age, abilities, and culture. 

Yet it would be incomplete to stop even there. Families do not exist in a vacuum. The choices available to parents are limited by economic realities; legal frameworks and enforcement; cultural expectations around gender, sexuality, family honor; and more. As the online world becomes more accessible and influential, it is increasingly framing young people’s understanding of sexuality, independent of parents’ and elders’ teaching and values. 

When attempting to confront something that carries the extreme shame and stigma of sibling sexual trauma, an instinctive human reaction is to find someone or something to blame. This reaction is part of our survival instinct, scanning for threats and seeking quick explanations to regain a sense of control. In situations of trauma and crisis, the mind defaults to these familiar patterns. Authorities might blame parents, one parent might blame another parent, those who engaged in harmful behavior might blame outside influences such as pornography.

Blame is reactive, while conscious responsibility is constructive. Blame keeps individuals stuck in cycles of guilt, shame, and defensiveness, whereas responsibility allows for growth, healing, and prevention.

Left unchecked, misplaced blame prevents true responsibility from being acknowledged. It shifts the focus away from those who should be held accountable. Or, at the other extreme, it overwhelms individuals with self-blame, which can lead to paralyzing depression or destructive behavior. Determining an accurate and healthy sense of responsibility is a key step in processing guilt and moving toward growth and constructive healing. 

In the context of sibling sexual trauma, responsibility never lies with the child who was harmed. Yet, tragically, children subjected to sexual experiences before they are developmentally ready often internalize blame. Unable to understand what is happening, they conclude it is their own fault or that they deserve to be treated this way. This is further reinforced when families or society minimize their experience, dismiss their pain, or blame them for the consequences of disclosure. All who support survivors of any age should emphasize repeatedly and consistently that it was not the victimized child’s fault.

Paula Lobos-Sucarrat has suggested a pyramid as a stable, constructive paradigm to conceptualize responsibility. It acknowledges the multiple layers of influence that contribute to harmful sexual behavior while maintaining a clear stance that accountability is essential.

Society and culture are the base on which families exist. Individuals, particularly children, operate within the context of their families. While a child must take responsibility for their choice to carry out harmful or abusive actions, it would be inappropriate to place the responsibility that lies with family or society onto their shoulders.

Similarly, parents do need to recognize the role that they played, even unknowingly, in setting up an environment in which abusive sibling sexual behavior could happen, and possibly continue without detection. They can learn to change the things that they can, and promote healing and safety in the future. However, it is unfair and unproductive to lay the burden on parents for things that lie beyond their control. 

If all responsibility is placed on individuals and families, it allows society and government to conveniently look the other way. It allows corporations and their owners to continue profiting from algorithms that promote early access and addiction to porn. Lawmakers will not be held accountable for their unwillingness to enact laws that prioritize the protection of children. We will continue to underfund legal and child protection systems, leaving them to operate with insufficient time and training to give children and families the attention and assistance they need.

My version of the Pyramid of Responsibility, pictured above, places various factors at the level on which they operate–individual, family, or society. It also places them in the context of whether or not they can be changed, going forward. Those that are listed outside the pyramid are outside current or future control; those that can be controlled by the individual, family, or society are written inside that level of the pyramid. 

The factors that lie outside the pyramid are real and influential. It is necessary to understand them and the role they play. But healthy and constructive paths forward to personal healing, safe relationships, and society-wide prevention lie in taking healthy responsibility for the elements which individuals, families, and societies can control.