The Unraveling

Jane, a survivor of sibling sexual abuse, shares her process of grief giving rise to hope.

Last year, my mother passed away, leaving behind a tidal wave of grief that crashed into my life with an unforgiving force. In the midst of this turmoil, a long-buried memory resurfaced—a haunting recollection of an eight-year-old girl, vulnerable and lost, who had endured the unthinkable: abuse at the hands of her own sister.

As the weight of that memory settled over me, I felt the walls of grief, pain, anger, and shame closing in. It became overwhelming, a cacophony of emotions that I could no longer ignore. It was in that dark moment that I made a decision: I would seek help. I started therapy, a choice that has since transformed my life.

Through the sessions, I began to sift through the rubble of my past, uncovering the little girl who had been silenced for far too long. Her innocence had been shattered by a single event, yet in my heart, I found a flicker of resilience. I realized that I am not defined by what happened to me. Instead, I uncovered a remarkable strength—courage and bravery that surpasses what many may ever know.

As I embarked on this journey of healing, I discovered a profound love for myself, a love that had been obscured by shame and fear. I learned to embrace my imperfections and accept my scars as part of my story. With that acceptance came understanding—a responsibility to not only be kind to myself but to extend that kindness to others.

I learned that I am a survivor, capable of rewriting my narrative. The past no longer holds me captive; it serves as a reminder of my strength and resilience. I understand now that change is always possible, and it’s never too late to reclaim my life.

With every session, every tear shed, and every laugh shared, I’ve woven together a new tapestry of hope. I am learning to navigate the world with newfound grace and courage. I am ready to step into the future, knowing there is always room for healing and growth.

In the end, it was the unraveling of my grief that led me to the most profound discovery of all: I am worthy of love, joy, and a life unshackled by the past. And with that realization, I take my first steps towards a brighter tomorrow.

A Mother's Prayer

This poem, in the form of a prayer, was first shared in the 5WAVES support group for parents, and it resonated with many. 5WAVES has no religious affiliation. We do not promote any particular religion; neither do we require those who express their voices to remove their religious beliefs and experiences from what they share.

In the quiet, where shadows gather thick,

I hold a grief too deep to name.

One son, beloved, his laughter once pure—

now a wound that cuts twice, hidden and unhealed.

My daughter’s cry, soft and fractured,

echoes through every hollow place in my heart.

I ache for her stolen purity,

for the nightmares she cannot escape,

for the trust torn away, leaving only fear.

And I ache for the son I raised, now drowning in remorse,

yet even his regret cannot undo the pain.

This weight is double—

a love bruised on both sides,

for the child who wounded, and the child left wounded.

God, You are my refuge in this breaking,

the only light in this valley of shadow.

Hold her close, mend what seems unmendable,

bring peace to her haunted nights,

and let justice flow, gentle yet strong.

Guide my son through this ruin,

if grace can find a way.

Restore what feels beyond repair,

and let hope breathe here again.

A Two-Way Street: For Survivors Who Haven't Yet Disclosed

This blog is from Alice Perle, SSA Survivor and author of Resolve: A Story of Courage, Healthy Inquiry and Recovery from Sibling Sexual Abuse. Read more of her own blog at https://aliceperle.com.au/blog/ It is being released in tandem with another blog, (How) Do I Tell My Mom? by Brandy Black, a parent of sibling sexual trauma and co-founder of 5WAVES.

From Silence to Speaking Out

If you’re reading this and considering how, when, or even if you’re ready to disclose, I trust

that what I share will be helpful to you.

Carrying the weight of my abuse in silence for years felt like the dirtiest, darkest secret. As a

teen and young adult, I struggled to put it into words or find someone I could trust. My one

attempt to disclose at age ten—a call for help to a priest—ended in disappointment. He told

me it was bad and to stop it, leaving me feeling more alone than before.

For so long, I believed I was the only one this had happened to. I asked myself, "Why me?

What was wrong with me?" I buried the secret deep inside, yet it vibrated beneath the surface during loving conversations with my husband or while chatting with my mother about our new baby. No one spoke the words "sibling sexual abuse" out loud. I felt isolated.

My First Disclosures as an Adult Were Serendipitous

One afternoon, I found myself in a dual-disclosure conversation—an electric moment where I

held the phone tightly to my ear, both of us affirming our experiences with a simple "yes."

Suddenly, I was no longer alone; I discovered that our eldest brother had also abused my

sibling. The shock of this realisation was both unsettling and liberating. We expressed a

whirlwind of emotions—sadness, resentment, disbelief at our brother’s manipulation and

power, and how he made each of us believe it was "only me."

I felt a huge load lift off my shoulders. That dual disclosure led me to take action. It was time

to share my secret with those who mattered most.

Later that evening, I disclosed to my husband, who responded with love and compassion. I

felt buoyant in my truth-telling and ready to confront my mother. But when I told her that my brother had sexually abused her children, her initial response was denial. I felt crushed, confused, and abandoned. Fear held my family captive, and within days, I was asked to drop

the subject. I was good at following orders but not yet confident enough to stand firm in my truth.

Spontaneous vs. Planned Disclosures

I’ve learned that we are not responsible for our family’s reactions when disclosing. It’s likely one of the most emotional moments we may ever face together.

However, I see now that a spontaneous or unplanned disclosure is completely different from planning your disclosure. Even though I chose to go to my Mum’s place that Saturday to tell

her, I didn’t plan it out. I didn’t inform her I was coming. I was going, and ‘voila!’ I thought

the world would be a better place for us all! So, that was unplanned.

If you plan to disclose, managing how the disclosure may be delivered becomes your

responsibility. But remember, how it is received will not be your responsibility.

Once you open your mouth to share your truth, it can feel like stepping off a cliff into the

unknown, but it’s the next words—the next step beyond that—for everyone involved that

matters.

• If responded to with love, that’s a wonderful start.

• If responded to with denial, my recommendation, from experience, is to stop there.

Don’t Keep Going

What will help more is to pause and breathe three breaths. This three-breath break is similar

to the wise saying: when you get upset, count to ten before you react. This ‘break’ helps to

regulate your body’s reactive mechanism, allowing you to calm down naturally.

Based on my experience, when the response is denial, it’s not the right time for a "session". Accept that the person you’re disclosing to isn’t handling it well. So don’t make it

worse—there are no answers you can give that will help the situation. No one needs to know

the abuse details; they won’t remember that anyway. Avoid diving into more explanations or

answering questions you’re not prepared for, hoping to convince them to see your point of view.

Enough For Now

In disclosure and healing, you’ll encounter moments where the words “Enough For Now”

resonate within you. If what you’re receiving doesn’t feel like love and compassion, just stop.

It’s an “Enough For Now” moment. Don’t take their response personally. Take a deep breath and say, “Thank you for listening; it was important for me to share this with you. I love you. Let’s talk again soon.”

Walk away—return to your support system or call for guidance from a counselling service. Debrief with someone who understands. At some stage, you’ll want to be ready for the next step. My mum’s and my reactions were equally unhelpful to our relationship. My family

shrank back with fear in the days following my not-so-great disclosure to her. I wish we had

the resources that are available now, and I also wish I’d ignored the request to fall back into

silence after my disclosure. While I don’t resent my family, I see how unhelpful that silence

was for all of us.

Brave Steps Forward

Your healing begins, and growth will come with every brave step you take when what you are seeking is something that is better and whole. Silence only serves those who harmed

us—breaking that silence, whether once or many times, is a courageous act. Please know that you’ve done a brave thing, regardless of the response you receive.

Disclosing is a deeply personal decision; there is no right or wrong time to do it. It may come

up spontaneously or because someone else prompted it. You can choose when and if you

want to share your story and how much you wish to share. You are not wrong for wanting to

speak your truth, nor for waiting until you feel ready. You are not to blame if things go wrong, as they did for me. That was only one step; there are more steps that can go right beyond that first conversation.

Ready for Something Better

My leap of faith at 25 was hopeful; breaking the silence I’d lived with for so long, I was

ready to take steps forward. It didn’t occur to me that preparation could have made things less painful for my mum and me. I noticed the difference, though – I didn’t prepare for the

disclosure to my husband, and I got a completely different response. I’m grateful my husband was there for me, willing to help once I’d shared my experiences. Our relationship grew stronger because of my disclosures.

Unfortunately, Mum and I didn’t have the skills to make what happened that day work for us,

not for a long while, anyway. Conscious, values-based communication wasn’t something we had been taught back then.

Spontaneous or planned disclosure comes with risks, but counselling services and resources are available today to help you prepare better than I did.

Ask For Help

Whether or not you decide to disclose your abuse, remember that your recovery can begin at

any time. You don’t have to carry the burden alone.

In his book ‘Stolen Tomorrows: Understanding and Treating Women’s Childhood Sexual Abuse’, Dr. Steven Levenkron emphasises that the longer abuse remains hidden, the more it can seep into our lives, shaping our beliefs and relationships. It’s not just about reporting what happened; it’s about reclaiming your truth and breaking free from the shame that has held you captive.

Speaking out, or asking for help—whether from a counsellor, doctor, therapist, or trusted

friend—can open the door to recovery and help manage those disclosures that might otherwise feel too risky to tackle right now.

Many resources and supports are out there to help you along the way. You might start with

a peer support group. You could browse 5WAVES.org and siblingsexualtrauma.com, which

both have extensive information and links to opportunities for healing, to hear about other

survivors’ stories, and options for sharing yours, if you choose.

The Other Two-Way Street: Moving Toward Recovery Together

As Dr. Gabor Maté wisely points out in his book ‘When the Body Says No: The Cost of

Hidden Stress’, healing from trauma is never just about the individual; it’s about the larger

system. Family dynamics and intergenerational trauma play significant roles in shaping our

responses. The beautiful truth is that change is possible. We don’t have to remain trapped

in silence and dysfunction that enabled the abuse.

As you, the survivor, do the deeply personal work of accepting your trauma and its

repercussions, your family—if they choose—will also need to navigate their own healing.

For parents, this may mean stepping out of denial and learning how to be supportive in ways that truly help.

Each of our journeys beyond disclosure is unique. Some families may never fully reconcile, but recovery is still yours to claim, no matter what happens.

The Gift of Time

Disclosure and recovery are not a one-size-fits-all process. I disclosed many times since those first disclosures, and can now speak with awareness and confidence. I found recovery was multi-layered, and it has taken longer than I first wishfully hoped. Because the repercussions of sibling sexual abuse touch multiple areas of our lives, we need to be kind to ourselves, take time, take breaks, and return to therapy, possibly multiple times. The best thing we can do is start.

Prioritising You

You can walk toward recovery, a kind and loving gift to yourself and those you love. If you choose to disclose, know that you are taking a brave step toward breaking the cycle of

trauma. Your voice matters. Your story matters. And your recovery is worth every step you take.

If you find yourself reading this, perhaps you’re considering disclosing, or you did what I

did, and received love or received denial, or both. There’s no rush; there’s no right or wrong

way to begin this process. If things didn’t go so well, you’re not stuck. There are next steps

that can be taken.

But please know that recovery and your personal growth are possible. Whether your family

stands by you or not, you deserve to live a life free from the burden of your past. Your voice will be there when you’re ready, waiting for you to reclaim it. And when you do, you will not be alone.