Chained, but Reclaimed

I was too young to name the night,

too naïve to flee or fight.

My body froze, my breath ran cold,

while hands took what I couldn’t hold.

He smiled like it was just a game,

with selfishness behind the frame.

"Let’s play the game!" is what he said,

while static silence filled my head.

It felt so wrong, I don’t know why,

I bit my tongue, believed his lies.

A twisted rule I couldn't break,

a choice I never got to make.

He asked to play, but I said "no..."

Yet still, he wouldn't let me go.

I tried to hide under the sheets,

but shadows swallowed up my pleas.

I learned too soon: "Don’t fight! Don’t run!

Just close your eyes until it’s done."

My body speaks what I despise,

a language burned my soul and mind.

My smooth young skin tattooed with shame,

and my bones are now in flames.

I don’t know how; I don’t know why,

but my soul repeats the lie.

The lie that whispers in my ear,

that love is tangled up with fear.

That pain and pleasure intertwine,

that what was his was somehow mine.

I trace the scars he left behind,

etched in places eyes can't find.

In love, I fear; in trust, I drown,

as his ghost still pulls me down.

I flinch at hands that mean no harm,

loving touch feels like false alarm.

My body begs for what I hate,

a cruel need I can't escape.

Still, I slowly rise, though unsure,

looked at myself, I reassured:

"I'm not him, I'm not my past,

I'll break these chains, and heal at last."

 u/NobodyMe125 founded r/SiblingSexualAbuse as a space for survivors to connect on Reddit, at https://www.reddit.com/r/SiblingSexualAbuse/?rdt=49225 He first shared this poem within that group.

The Pyramid of Responsibility

Brandy writes: As soon as I listened to Paula Lobos-Sucarrat’s interview with Nancy Morris, released for #Siblings Too Day 2024, I knew her ideas needed a wide audience, and I wanted to write a blog on it. The concept of a pyramid of responsibility took a firm hold in my mind. Here I share some reflections on Lobos-Sucarrat’s pyramid concept, along with a new graphical illustration (below).

This version created by Brandy Black of 5WAVES, based on the work of Paula Lobos-Sucarrat. Stronger empirical evidence around causal factors is needed, but those listed here are currently thought to play a role.

One of the questions that comes to mind when one encounters harmful or abusive sibling sexual behavior is, “Why did they do it? What would cause anyone to act this way toward their own sibling?” 

The question is never easy to answer, on either an individual or a population-wide level. The first place that researchers, investigators, or parents usually look is to the sibling who is responsible for the harmful sexual behavior. A common assumption is that there must be something inherently wrong, or fundamentally damaged, in that child or teen. While that is a factor which needs to be explored, it would be unfair, inaccurate, and dangerous not to also consider factors that contribute to the harmful or abusive behavior. 

Current research and professional education is becoming increasingly focused on the need to place the actions of individual children into the context of their family. Even into their teen years, children are not totally autonomous. By definition, sibling sexual trauma takes place within the family. Parents and caregivers have a legal and ethical responsibility to supervise, guide, and protect their children, in whatever ways are appropriate to their age, abilities, and culture. 

Yet it would be incomplete to stop even there. Families do not exist in a vacuum. The choices available to parents are limited by economic realities; legal frameworks and enforcement; cultural expectations around gender, sexuality, family honor; and more. As the online world becomes more accessible and influential, it is increasingly framing young people’s understanding of sexuality, independent of parents’ and elders’ teaching and values. 

When attempting to confront something that carries the extreme shame and stigma of sibling sexual trauma, an instinctive human reaction is to find someone or something to blame. This reaction is part of our survival instinct, scanning for threats and seeking quick explanations to regain a sense of control. In situations of trauma and crisis, the mind defaults to these familiar patterns. Authorities might blame parents, one parent might blame another parent, those who engaged in harmful behavior might blame outside influences such as pornography.

Blame is reactive, while conscious responsibility is constructive. Blame keeps individuals stuck in cycles of guilt, shame, and defensiveness, whereas responsibility allows for growth, healing, and prevention.

Left unchecked, misplaced blame prevents true responsibility from being acknowledged. It shifts the focus away from those who should be held accountable. Or, at the other extreme, it overwhelms individuals with self-blame, which can lead to paralyzing depression or destructive behavior. Determining an accurate and healthy sense of responsibility is a key step in processing guilt and moving toward growth and constructive healing. 

In the context of sibling sexual trauma, responsibility never lies with the child who was harmed. Yet, tragically, children subjected to sexual experiences before they are developmentally ready often internalize blame. Unable to understand what is happening, they conclude it is their own fault or that they deserve to be treated this way. This is further reinforced when families or society minimize their experience, dismiss their pain, or blame them for the consequences of disclosure. All who support survivors of any age should emphasize repeatedly and consistently that it was not the victimized child’s fault.

Paula Lobos-Sucarrat has suggested a pyramid as a stable, constructive paradigm to conceptualize responsibility. It acknowledges the multiple layers of influence that contribute to harmful sexual behavior while maintaining a clear stance that accountability is essential.

Society and culture are the base on which families exist. Individuals, particularly children, operate within the context of their families. While a child must take responsibility for their choice to carry out harmful or abusive actions, it would be inappropriate to place the responsibility that lies with family or society onto their shoulders.

Similarly, parents do need to recognize the role that they played, even unknowingly, in setting up an environment in which abusive sibling sexual behavior could happen, and possibly continue without detection. They can learn to change the things that they can, and promote healing and safety in the future. However, it is unfair and unproductive to lay the burden on parents for things that lie beyond their control. 

If all responsibility is placed on individuals and families, it allows society and government to conveniently look the other way. It allows corporations and their owners to continue profiting from algorithms that promote early access and addiction to porn. Lawmakers will not be held accountable for their unwillingness to enact laws that prioritize the protection of children. We will continue to underfund legal and child protection systems, leaving them to operate with insufficient time and training to give children and families the attention and assistance they need.

My version of the Pyramid of Responsibility, pictured above, places various factors at the level on which they operate–individual, family, or society. It also places them in the context of whether or not they can be changed, going forward. Those that are listed outside the pyramid are outside current or future control; those that can be controlled by the individual, family, or society are written inside that level of the pyramid. 

The factors that lie outside the pyramid are real and influential. It is necessary to understand them and the role they play. But healthy and constructive paths forward to personal healing, safe relationships, and society-wide prevention lie in taking healthy responsibility for the elements which individuals, families, and societies can control.

My Adult Child Sexually Abused Their Sibling when They Were Kids: What Do I Say to the Child Who was Responsible?

Since discovering that I was a parent of sibling sexual trauma, I’ve engaged in plenty of difficult conversations. The first time speaking to my child, after I learned they had harmed their sibling, was one of the hardest. It’s a moment no parent is prepared to face. 

If you are facing a moment like this, read on. But first, take a few deep breaths. Know you are not alone (see links below). Parents who have walked this road before generally agree: Taking a bit of time to turn the panic down a notch or two will bring on much-needed clearer thinking. The words below won’t give you a guaranteed “right” answer, but they may guide you to some choices that will work for you. 

If you have already confronted your adult child, this blog is for you as well. It may shed light on something you can still say or do that will be helpful. You may have responded differently, and if you are satisfied with your response, that is what matters. On the other hand, you may regret how you reacted, or something you said. Many parents blurt out words that make no sense, or take actions that they later regret. It is likely you were so overwhelmed with anger, shock, or other emotions that your thinking brain was bypassed altogether. You can’t re-do that moment, but you can choose how to approach your child going forward.

If you are striving to support a parent in this situation, whether personally or professionally, thank you so much for seeking out this topic and reading. Few people who haven’t faced this for themselves are likely to have even considered this predicament. Your listening ear and presence may be the best things you can give, and they do make a difference. 

One of the biggest reasons that there is no clear “right” way to respond, is that there are so many factors to weigh. Consider just some basics:

• How did the parent find out? Does each adult child realize that the parent knows? 

• What are the wishes and choices of the sibling who was sexually harmed or abused? Do they want the parent to confront their sibling, or hide that they know? Do they want the behavior reported to authorities and prosecuted, or not?

• Is this child currently living independently? Is the child dependent on the parent for education, health insurance, or other support? Do they live nearby or far away? 

• Does the adult child have a family? If so, does the parent want to maintain a relationship with the grandchildren? Are there any concerns for the safety of those grandchildren, or other children in the family? 

• What is this adult child’s current behavior toward their siblings, parents, and others in their lives? Are they still behaving in any type of abusive or risky manner? 

• If the child has been confronted as an adult about their past harmful sexual behavior, how did they react? Did they admit to all, admit to some, or deny it all? Did they show remorse and offer to make amends? Did they try to minimize, make excuses, or turn the blame on their sibling (DARVO)? 

• What are the parent’s emotional reactions? What type of relationship have they had with the adult child who is responsible? What are the parent’s wishes for their relationship with this child going forward? 

• As far as the parent knows, what kind of sexual behavior occurred? What age did the behavior start, how long did it last, and how or why did it end? (Note: The answers to these questions should not be used to determine the amount or type of harm experienced by their siblings, or to override the wishes of the sibling who was harmed.)

• Does the parent have any knowledge or suspicion that the child who sexually harmed their sibling was also sexually violated by someone else? (Note: This factor does not affect the extent of trauma to their sibling, or how their sibling should handle it. But it is a realistic circumstance for parents to consider in their response.)

Simply reading through all those possibilities may feel overwhelming. Actually facing them, in the midst of the disorienting storm of emotions that comes with facing this news, is even more complex. With all these factors to sort out, is there anything that all parents of a child who sexually abused a sibling have in common? 

It seems safe to say that all parents will find this complicated, awkward, difficult, and unpredictable. With very few exceptions, both the parents and their adult child will feel extreme fear and shame. Conversations about past harmful sibling sexual behavior will be among the most challenging of their entire lives. 

If you are a parent who has read this far, it is likely that you still carry some level of love and concern for your child, now an adult, no matter what their behavior has been, past or present. And that is OK! Your love and concern for one child does not diminish your love and concern for any other child. Period. It is also normal to feel extreme anger, disgust, betrayal, a desire for revenge, a feeling of unreality, shock, or numbness. That is OK too. 

No matter where you are in your journey, any of the following messages that are true for you are among those that would be appropriate to convey to your adult child:

• I love you, you are my child, and nothing will ever change that.

• I believe your sibling.

• I am supporting your sibling in their healing process. 

• You need to take responsibility for your actions, past, present, and future.

• I will support your own healing in any way I am able, that you desire. 

• I need to set the following boundaries with you going forward…

Alongside the messages above, it is important to prioritize the wishes of the sibling who was harmed as a child. This is particularly important on issues affecting boundaries between the siblings, what kind of information the parents can convey from one sibling to the other, who is present during family gatherings, or which images the parents share on social media. Some siblings find that their ability to heal is negatively affected by contact with their sibling, having parents mention the sibling, or seeing photos of that sibling. As a parent, it is crucial to respect this. The child’s wishes may change over time, or they may not; either is normal. Expecting the child responsible for the harm to respect these wishes is part of accepting the natural consequences of their actions, and prioritizing their sibling’s needs going forward.

If you are the parent of both a child who was abused, and the one who abused them in their own youth, you are likely to face many agonizing decisions. They may have no clear right answers and no good options, at least in the short-term. You may face criticism from those who have never faced anything of this nature. Do your best to not take it personally. The best you can do is the best you can do. 

You have already taken the important step of seeking ideas and information, seeking to understand and care for your children in any way you are able. Seeking support is another important step. Many parents of sibling sexual trauma feel isolated and humiliated. This isn’t the type of thing you can share casually or widely. The journey ahead will not be easy or linear, but you do not have to go through this alone. Start here for links to helplines, support groups, and much more: https://www.siblingsexualtrauma.com/parents